Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap

I'm not stuck on Temper Trap just like the lyrics to this song, everything else is crap...

A moment, a love, a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs, a moment, a love, a dream aloud...

I was talking to Rick today about something and bless his heart he was trying to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about. Well, I say talking but it was more like incoherent sentences, just some of my thoughts coming out all jumbled. Yeah...it's a mess in my head at the moment. I'm in the process of clearing things up but whenever I get close to everything being in it's box, something else comes up and I think about it and...it's a big mess again.

Point is... It makes  me do the mardy thing again and I can't help it and sometimes I don't even know i'm being like it and it's difficult for...people.

Note To Self

I shouldn't listen to this song:

Stone Sour - Made of Scars

I was waiting for your to ask about coming to get me yesterday...but you didn't, and then I was going to say something about it but you told me your mother wanted you to do all those chores and stuff, and I felt like you didn't have time for me...and that's kind of bummed me out now.

Denial

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the bum. 
And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. 
The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. 
We can only lie to ourselves for so long. 
We are tired, we are scared; denying it doesn't change the truth. 
Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. 
Head on, guns blazing. 
De Nile; it's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. 
So how do you keep from drowning in it?

The doctor thinks I purposefully threw myself down the stairs. I'm not even shocked he thinks that, since he thinks I'm suicidal. But I don't even care what he thinks any more... I have the painkillers for my cracked scapula and I have all my results back from my tests so I don't ever have to see him again. When the time comes for my physical on the 30th, i'll request a different doctor.

Today sucks. Everything sucks.

Ugh.

I hate staying long lengths of time in hospitals - they're all the same: clean and clinical.

And the people? Administration staff, doctors, nurses...so precise and clear-cut. I understand why they have to be precise, there's no room for error, they can't go around accidentally bumping patients off because they were a bit careless. But it just makes them feel a little inhuman to me.

And it's not just the staff in the hospital, it's the patients too. They just always seem so...morose, or preoccupied with dwelling on whatever it is that is going around in their heads.

I hate it here. It's awfully suffocating.

Going to play the Tequila Truth Game with Rick. I just hope my heart holds out, piece of shit* that it is.

*I DON'T REALLY MEAN THAT, HEART. I <3 YOU. YOU'VE BEEN WORKING QUITE WELL THESE PAST TWO MONTHS, DON'T FUCK UP ON ME NOW.

I dream a lot but i'm not a dreamer - just had to clear that up.

Last night, or rather the early hours of this morning since I didn't manage to fall asleep until 6am, I had a dream. Fuck yeah you know this is going to be interesting (not).

I was standing in a dark room, doing what any other person would do when standing in a dark room and you don't know where you are (and, no, I didn't panic - I just tried to figure out my surroundings). All of a sudden lights turn on and it turns out i'm on a stage in front of a lot of different people in my life, very awkward if you ask me. Music starts playing, a tune that is faintly familiar. I can't say I know the song. I just recognise the tune. Someone starts singing. If I remember rightly it went a little something like... "time to change has come and gone, watched your fears become your God, it's your decision, overwhelmed you choose to run, apathetic to the stunned, it's your decision". Does anyone know that song? Maybe it's not a real song, anything is possible in my dreams. I ended up waking up before the song ended. I think the thought of having to face the audience frightened me awake to be honest.

So now I can't forget those lyrics that I remember from my dream. 

Am I having a good day?

Yes, everything is just fucking peachy.

Do you know what it feels like to be angry at yourself all of the time, to feel like you're being constantly squeezed by a rope tied around your body?

Sometimes it eases off, you know? Usually when i'm settled and content I can forget about it; but it's always there, and the slightest thing triggers it off, the rope squeezes tighter around me and I feel suffocated.

When it happens, I try not to project it on anyone else. I just come across as mardy because nobody understands. I don't think anybody can understand.

Oh, the doctor came to see me today. Fucking arsehole is starting to get on my last nerve.

Because you know what? I don't "self harm", since people keep assuming the worse. I just throw things and punch things and IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. I threw a vase, it smashed all over the place, and I didn't realise there were shards of broken porcelain on the dresser when I banged my fist and arm on the top - that's how I ended up tearing my arm to shreds. I didn't physically pick up a knife or a piece of glass or whatever people use and cut my arm up.

Is everyone happy now?

Kurt Cobain once said that if you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on and that he's not afraid of dying, and total peace after death - becoming someone else - is the best hope he's got.

That has been me for the past few days. Thinking the best hope i've got is becoming someone else.