Read this and thought of you...

Perfect Timing by Michael Faudet

Sometimes you make me feel like a clock perched on a dusty shelf, she said.

Counting down the hours, the minutes and seconds until we meet.

And when we do, the hands become my legs.

Forever stuck on 4.40pm.

"Clio, I wanted to have dinner with you because I love your company - I adore your company. You're so interesting and thoughtful--"
"Oh yes," she said, "very exciting that makes me sound. Interesting and thoughtful..."
"It is to me, you silly bitch," he said.
She stared at him. "What did you say?"
"I said you were exciting, to me. I find you very exciting. And today I was very proud of you and--"
"Yes, but what else?"
"I said you were a silly bitch. Ok? I'm sorry."
At the top of the escalator he turned and faced her.
"Look," he said, "I don't know how I can convince you that I like being with you. That I find you terribly attractive. You're driving me mad. What do you want, woman? A signed declaration? Here-" he pulled a sheet of paper out of the small Filofax he kept in his pocket, "here you are. I, Fergus Trehearne, find you, Clio Scott - I don't know what you're married name is, but if I could get hold of your husband I'd punch the living daylights out of him, for doing what he has to you, I find you incredibly exciting and interesting and desirable and I would like to remove all your clothing right here." He tore the paper off, handed it to her. "There. Will that do? Now then, we'd better go and find your bloody train."
Clio stood very still and stared, first at him, then at the piece of paper; then she said: "Fergus, I don't want to get the bloody train. And I don't have to. I want to stay with you. And I want you to remove all my clothing. As soon as possible. Only not just here, maybe."
"Well, where then?" he said, speaking very slowly. He raised his hand, tilted her face up to his.
Clio felt a lurch in what she could only describe as her guts. A strong, probing lurch. It led to part of her anatomy that had been dormant for quite a long time. It wasn't dormant now. It appeared to be on the rampage.
"I believe you've got a flat," she said very quietly. "And could you just say that once again?"
"What?"
"You know, about me being a silly bitch?"
"But why?"
"Well, because it proves you weren't just being polite. It's about the biggest compliment I ever had."
"I can do a lot better than that," he said, "you silly bitch." And he started to kiss her.

- 'Sheer Abandon' by Penny Vincenzi

Beauty and the Beast

Why is it always the woman who has to see past the beast in the man? Why does she always have to clean his wounds, even after he has damaged her beyond repair? Why is it always the man who is worthy of forgiveness for being a monster?

I want to see the beast in the beauty.

The half smile, half snarl. The unapologetic anger. I would like to see the man forgive the monster. To see her, blood and all, and love her anyway.

Literary Nonsense

It's literary nonsense month so I thought i'd dust off my 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' novel and re-read my favourite chapters:

Chapter 1: Down the Rabbit Hole
Whilst Alice is sitting on the riverbank with her sister feeling bored as hell, she notices a talking white rabbit with a pocket watch. She follows it down a rabbit hole and then she falls a very long way into Underland and lands in a big hall that has a loads of locked doors of all different sizes. She then finds a small key to a door that is too small for her to fit through, then later on discovers a bottle on a table labelled "drink me" (the liquid makes her shrink too small to reach the key which she accidentally left on the table so she eats a piece of cake with "eat me" on it that makes her grow too much).

Chapter 6: Pig and Pepper
The Cheshire Cat appears in a tree and directs Alice to the crazy March Hare's house. He disappears but his grin remains and floats on its own in the air prompting Alice to say that she has often seen a cat without a grin but never a grin without a cat.

Chapter 7: A Mad Tea-Party
Alice becomes a guest at a "mad" tea party along with the March Hare, the Hatter, and a doormouse (who falls asleep frequently only to always be woken by the March Hare and the Hatter). The guests of the tea party give Alice many riddles and stories (such as "why is a raven like a writing desk?"). The Hatter reveals that they have tea all day because "time" has punished him by eternally standing still at 6pm (tea time).

Chapter 8: The Queen's Croquet Ground
Alice finds a garden where there are three living playing cards painting white roses on a rose tree red because The Queen of Hearts hates white roses. A bunch of more cards, kings and queens and even the White Rabbit enter the garden. Alice then meets the King and Queen of Hearts. The Queen of Hearts (a difficult person) introduces her trademark phrase "off with his head!" that she utters at the slightest dissatisfaction. Alice is then ordered to play a game of croquet with the Queen of Hearts (and the rest of her subjects) where live flamingos are used as mallets and hedgehogs as balls, and Alice once again meets the Cheshire Cat. The Queen of Hearts then orders the cat to be beheaded, only to have her executioner complain that this is impossible since the head is all that can be seen of him.

"The Dana Taylor Syndrome"

'So, how far does this little game go in that sordid mind of yours?'

He smiled a slow, sexy, dimpled smile. 'You really want to know?'

Not in the cold light of day she wouldn't. But she was currently in the realms of fantasyland. The thing was, could she live with the inevitable consequences of this one night when the sun came up again? Guilt, recrimination, regret?

I think everyone has a side where they are depressed and unhappy. Some people ignore it. Some people try to change it. Some people completely show it. And some people, they deal with it.

Viktor Krum

Been re-reading some of my favourite chapters of the Harry Potter books, and y'know who my favourite character is?

Viktor Krum.

Because he was surrounded by dark magic and bad influences, treated like royalty (even without his famed seeker status), was pure-blood, never treated anyone as lesser, liked muggle born Hermione for her mind AND physical beauty, thought Harry was a great quidditch player (and never once compared Harry to his own skills because he’s humble), was genuinely flattered that Ron wanted his autograph, liked Cedric and made a point to tell Harry, was an ally in the fight against Voldermort, the list could go on...

Also...

Viktor was obviously deeply in love with Hermione... 

Remember the fact that he took her to prom, knowing that he could’ve chosen any other girl? Remember how he forgot about everyone and danced with her all night? Remember how he looked at her while saying "write to me, please"? Remember how a few years later at Fleur’s wedding, he danced with her one more time - probably being conscious that her heart already belonged to Ron?

Viktor Krum. The most underrated character in the whole Harry Potter series.

I don't trust you as much as I used to.

There... I said it.

It's not the act itself that you did. I've forgiven that. It was nothing. It's the fact that you did it whilst we were not talking to each other. Exactly what Haiden did to me. That's why it hurts so much. I didn't expect it from you.

Now I don't know how to bring it back. Now i'm struggling to...

I feel like i'm back to being that emotional wreck I was at the beginning. I'm not sure if I can handle it any more.

Besides, you're doing great without me anyway.

Yet more thoughts on this story... Might as well document my whole thoughts on it.

I like the idea of there being spirit guides more than the idea of there being elders. They're so much more parental and gentle - nudging you you softly into the next lifetime, rather than the elders ordering you to do something. It's strange to think that such a heavenly place has beings who dictate what you can and can't do. I would have liked to think that at some point in existence we wouldn't be controlled and be...free.

It is quite like a dictatorship - potentially what the elders say goes and if you disagree...well, they threatened to wipe his soul of all memories pertaining to his soulmate. I literally can't even perceive this as a punishment because it is so immoral. Terrible.

What started out as this amazing idea of reincarnation has vastly turned into Erubus -- hell. I mean, you spend lifetimes being reincarnated where you find your soulmate and learn all about the essence of life and what not, blissfully ignorant of the elders who at a whim can yank you out of the cycle and place you in an absurd place in the universe away from everything and everyone you know without your choice in the matter. Talk about a question for the would you rather game: would you rather not see the woman you loved for a thousand years or have all memories of her wiped from your mind?

I guess it's a little hit and miss for me. If you take away the elders and their seemingly useless role than this idea of reincarnation is intriguing. One aspect that I like the most is that when the soul gets reincarnated, they take on human form again, but the soul becomes unconscious - almost silent - and the human mind is a clean slate meaning that they have to go about re-discovering their soulmate and other souls they are fond of. Knowing that their are souls on Earth who you're close to, even if you're a lonely human, is quite comforting.

As the story moves on to chapter five, Zarad's spirit guide not only confesses the barbaric memory wipe the elders threatened but his own secretive thoughts on whether or not he trusts the elders - something fishy is going on. I'm also super excited that his guide said he would break the rules and help him get into contact with his soulmate and his soul friends when he's cast away.

As far as my thoughts on reincarnation go, this is the last of them! I'm just going to enjoy the story now.

I'm sorry for mentioning this story again but I really need to write about this author's ideas modern day reincarnation.

Being torn away from his soulmate, he is questing to discover the reason for it and has a chat with the elders* and they are vicious to say the least. They preach that love is a weakness and only younger souls should still possess it, except one of the female elders who scorns them by telling them not to discount the role of love in the eternal cycle.

"You must experience a break from this attachment in order to experience personal growth," explains the nice elder. But he completely rebels against the order. He has no desire to be parted from his soulmate. The nice elder tries to reassure him that he will be reunited with her and that they will be stronger than ever. Is that sort of like saying distance makes the heart grow fonder? Because I have a lot of thoughts about that.

If that wasn't bad enough, the black sheep of the flock of elders laughs in his face - his arrogance made me curse his character out loud. Apparently, it is a great honour to be taught this lesson. Can someone tell me how exactly being forced apart from your soulmate is an honour?

Then he realises the bigger picture: they are grooming him to become a guide and then an elder... Would you give up love for success? Even if he would be reunited with her...he would have to spend not one lifetime away from her but ten - a whole millennium apart from her!

Jealousy breaks out as he imagined his soulmate living a ten lifetimes with a new man obtaining her affections. Yet more suffering that he has to endure...

The author then decides, after the harsh words spoken by the elders, that it is his choice whether or not to go ahead with the change. I dislike when writers do this: make the reader believe that the character is being forced into something and then gives them a choice. Trickery.

*Is that a reference to Charmed? I just realised that the name and role of the characters are the same as what they are in Charmed...

Soul Census

Does anyone believe in reincarnation?

Not going to lie, i've toyed with the thought of my soul, upon the death of my body, coming back to Earth in a different form.

I'm reading a story at the moment that has a brilliant perception of reincarnation. 

A couple, naturally they'd be soulmates, who have found each other hundreds of times on Earth (and in the spirit world) finally find themselves losing one another - because all good things must come to an end, that is literally what one of the spirit guides said. 

The woman is completely distraught by the separation because she finds herself unable to connect with her soulmate. I suppose that would be quite alarming. The thought of spending hundreds of lifetimes with someone only to be forced to separate is quite harsh. 

The man kicks up a stink and finds an explanation as to why they can't connect with each other any longer and he is given a beautiful lesson demonstrated by a deer being eaten by a leopard. 

His soul is developing, and he is being put on some sort of course where he needs to learn something important: if he passes the course then he will be reunited with his soulmate but if he fails then he will experience the heartache all over again. It's a pretty twisted way to force someone to learn something, isn't it?

I'm only up to chapter 2 out of 20 of the story and i'm insanely hooked on the readers perception of how souls work, develop, and move on. I feel as though by the end of this story I will be a firm believer in reincarnation.

Footnote: The opening of chapter three was about what happens to broken souls and that just terrified me; and the end of the chapter where the elders are telling him that he is chained by weakness and that weakness is love - how dare they? I understand that change is necessary to progress in life but to cut out love is too much of a change to ask anyone to do. If I was being made to let go of love, i'd want a better explanation than that.

If ever I have a son, this will be their birds and the bees talk:

Big Poppa E. - “How To Make Love”

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.

(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.

(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.

Love, Dad.

So here's a question that is going around:

If your boyfriend and your dad swapped bodies and the only way to get them to switch back was to have sex with one of them which one would you choose?

*smile to myself*

Baby News

My big sister is expecting a baby! Congratulations, Cass!

There's a tradition in our family (stems from my mother's side) that all baby girls have to have a middle name from the family tree. I totally forgot all about this tradition until Cass and I started discussing baby names today.

For most the afternoon we've looking at names that are on our family tree and together we've narrowed it down to this long list:

• Rose
• Anne/Ann 
• Maya 
• Amelia 
• Ophealia 
• Isobel 
• Tilly 
• Amanda 
• Sarah 
• Kita 
• Nicola 
• Harriet
• Nita
• Joyce 
• Kirstie 
• Valerie
• Kelly
• Danielle 
• Rebekah
• Jennifer 
• Melanie
• Eliza (God forbid she is named after me!)

Personally, I think these are the best:

• Alice Rose
• Alice Amelia
• Alice Ophealia

One of my favourite parts of the book i'm reading:

"What is it?" He asked to her puzzled expression as he stood in the buff right in front of her. "You don't think i'm reasonably endowed?"
"You're..." she swallowed, her mouth a little dry after surveying his manhood, "perfectly endowed."
Her puzzled expression wasn't puzzlement at all but rather bewilderment. She had a slightly embarrassing issue that was an elephant in the room, at least for her. How do you tell someone you're a virgin? How do you tell someone you're a virgin after acting like wanton woman hell bent on seducing him?
"What is it?" He asked as he climbed onto the bed next to her, his hand gliding over her bare leg for she was also naked. "You can tell me." It was a half whisper as his lips found her warm neck and began softly kissing the nape.
Her eyes fluttered shut as she enjoyed the tingles of pleasure his lips always brought her. It was hard to concentrate on figuring out just exactly how to confess her secret to him.
Eventually she managed to find enough resistance from within herself to push him away slightly. "I did to tell you something."
Her blue eyes widened as they looked into his passion laced brown eyes. She looked as excited as he was, he noted, but he could see that there was something clearly holding her back. He curbed his urges to pull her on top of him, put on his patient face, and awaited to hear what she had to say.
"I'm a virgin." The words tumbled out fast and all at once.
A smile tugged at his lips. "No..." He said. "I don't believe that."
Her cheeks flushed scarlet red and she wished the ground would swallow her up.
Then his hand was upon her again, caressing her hip, his fingers drawing circles on her skin. He leaned in and kissed her lips and was surprised... Her usual talented, quivering in pleasure, soft lips resembled a teenagers: slightly nervous and unsure.
"Seriously...?" He whispered with his lips half an inch away from hers.
She nodded. She couldn't manage words for the crazy wanting of his lips on hers she was feeling.
With one swift movement he pulled her naked body on top of his and held her close. She wriggled against him, fitting perfectly on top of his muscular body, and rest her head on his chest.
"You don't act like a virgin..." He stated. Her foreplay earlier in the night was...
She heard his heart beat change into a faster rhythm and immediately knew what images had sprung to his mind.
"I said i'm a virgin, not that i'm deprived of all sexual interaction. I just haven't had sex...yet." She raised her head to look at him. "But I want to..." She sat up. Her legs slightly pressing against his rib cages. "I want you inside of me." With a seductive purpose, her hands glided up his smooth chest.
He let out a frustrated groan.
His eyes heavy with need as he watch her hand move up her thigh and over her torso to caress one of her breasts. His hand soon covered hers and helped with the caressing.
"Please take me right now..." Her voice husky as he squeezed gently on the breast that was now solely in his possession.
No longer could he wait, he flipped her on to her back.
"Tell me you want me to make love to you." He ordered. His lips assaulting her chest with feathery light kisses.
She whispered the words he wanted to her and the repeated them louder and louder as he began suckling on her breasts.

Fine.

I've been watching the Pretty Woman lately. This what happens:

Edward: You all right?

Vivian: I'm fine.

Edward: Fine. That's good. Seven "fines" since we left. Could I have another word, please?

Vivian: Asshole! There's a word.

Edward: I think I liked "fine" better.

Always been a fan of the word "fine".

There are very few people in my life who I label as "interesting", my boyfriend for one - though I have known for years I still find him as mysterious as ever, and then there is a thirty three year old man I met at the court house yesterday.

He was appointed to keep me company whilst I sat for hours in the witness room. He brought me tea and biscuits and he chatted non-stop about so many interesting things (mainly T'ai Chi and Reiki).

In the time I spent with him I pretty much found out his whole life story: he left school and studied engineering but hated it so he quit, he then studied sports therapy and because a football coach but that wasn't challenging enough for him so he decided to teach sports therapy to college students, during this time he decided to learn T'ai Chi and joined a class only the teacher was a bully and beat him up every lesson but he finally found a different teacher and now he's blossomed into a lovely teacher of it as well as teaching a bit of Reiki. He's a lovely and friendly man, very open and not very confident and he always put himself down.

He told me that he hated going out of his comfort zone but that he was required to go to Malaysia to train with his Zen Master and he's terrified: terrified of flying, terrified of being on his own, terrified of training outside in the heat for five hours straight... I tried to comfort him but i'm rubbish at doing that kind of stuff. I just wanted to hug him.

Guess i'm writing this down because I want to remember him and all the advice he's given me...

There are a lot of things i'm good at:

• Over commiting
• Not being able to get out of bed in the mornings
• Making an organised mess
• Reading ahead of situations
• Getting too comfy
• Not calling friends and family when I said I would
• Being too cold
• Not being in the mood
• Spilling my tea on me

There are so many different types of people in my office that clashes are inevitable sometimes.

Me? I keep my thoughts and opinions to myself if I know they might offend someone in the vicinity. But most people aren't like me.

Miss Lesbian and Mrs Holy Trinity are having a full blown argument about "pro life" and how abortions are so terribly wrong.

Miss Lesbian: Make abortions illegal? Wait a second... Have you ever noticed how some peoples concern for life stops at birth? They just want those babies to come out. After that, they don't give a damn what happens to them.
Mrs Holy Trinity: Then we pray for those children.
Miss Lesbian: Your God can't answer every damn prayer in the world.

I was woken up by a phone call at seven thirty this morning by my new client who seems to be an early bird (dislike dislike dislike) and mentally can't deal with this right now. Time to go for brunch, I think.

For those lacking Dr.Seuss in their life...

...here are some of my favourite quotes from him.

• Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no-one alive who is youer than you.

• Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

• Why fit in when you were born to stand out?

• You'll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.

• Think and wonder, wonder and think.

• Think! You can think any think that you wish...

• If you never did, you should. These things are fun and fun is good.

• You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

• You are you. Now isn't that pleasant?

• Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.

• The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.

• A person's a person, no matter how small.

• I meant what I said and I said what I meant.

• Only you can control your future.

• Be who you are and say what you mean because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

• Will you succeed? Yes you will indeed! Ninety-eight and three quarters percent guaranteed.

• From there to here and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

• Step with care and great tact and remember that life's a great balancing act.

• Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.

• You're on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who'll decide where to go...

I hate this horrible but completely innocent love triangle! It's so sad! I don't know who to feel sorry for most. Gah.

Tremaine walked into the room in silence, closing the hardwood door softly, stopping to look over Helena; she was standing so still, her slender arms wrapped around her slim body, biting her lip, looking at the floor not even noticing him. He leant his back against the door, he didn’t feel like having intruders, and he paused to look her over again.

“Hey, gorgeous. Are you going to tell me what’s up?” He had always called her ‘gorgeous’, ever since he developed a crush on her after his treatment had ended years ago, and the compliment had stuck and became a nickname.

Looking up from the floor, she offered him a warm yet nervous smile. Instead of moving closer to him, she kept her distance, opting for a chair facing him at the dining table.

A silence took hold but before it could turn awkward Helena asked the question she was so nervous to ask. “Is it true that you love me?”

Tremaine immediately tensed at her soft spoken question. He was no longer leaning against the door but stood up, straight backed and a little defensive.

“I don’t want lies or half truths, Tremaine. I want—”

“Yes.” Before she could even finish her sentence Tremaine had answered her question. “Yes, I do love you. You’re my best friend, Helena, of course I love you.” He explained.

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

Tremaine paused for thought after hearing a catch in her throat. Was she upset? Why was she upset?

Concern grew in his eyes, she saw it. “I just need to know.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, his eyes burned into hers as he tried to figure out why she was asking such a dangerous question but it was useless to even try – Helena didn’t give away any clues. But she did look helpless, and he hated that. “Yes, Helena, I’m in love with you.”

She closed her eyes as she felt the heartache twisting around her heart.

“I’m in love with you, ok? I don’t know when it happened but for as long as I can remember, I’ve been in love with you.”

Silence. She wasn’t saying anything. She still had her eyes firmly closed.

He crossed the room to her, got down on his knees, and shook her by her arms. “Damn it, woman, will you say something?” She owed him that at least, didn’t she? After it nearly tore his heart out to admit his love to her...

Her eyes finally opened after his shaking had stopped. Her pretty blues looking into his darkened browns and she reached out to caress his cheek. “I’m scared that I’m in love with you, too.” She admitted in almost a whisper.

His breath caught in his chest as his heart beat faster. This was crazy - completely and utterly crazy.

“I don’t know when or why or how it happened but I think I’m in love with you, Tremaine.”

He caught her hand and held it still against his cheek. “It’s ok, Helena. You don’t have to be scared.”

“Yes I do.” She told him, her eyes beginning to well. “I do because I love my husband so much too. I love my husband, Tremaine, but I love you too.”

Warm tears began streaming down her cheeks only to be caught by his thumb wiping them away.

“Listen to me, sweetheart... Don’t you feel better for telling me?”

Considering his question, she inhaled some deep and calming breaths. Did she feel better? Yes. She nodded her head to confirm.

“Now...we both are married and we both love our partners, don’t we?”

There was another nod in answer.

“We’re best friends who happen to be nothing but very close to each other, do you understand?”

Helena nodded.

“It’ll be ok.” He half helped her up so he could wrap is arms around her and hug her. “It’ll all be ok.”

The Mirror Has Two Faces

As I stood at the altar beside my sister and her husband-to-be, it struck me that this “ritual” called a wedding ceremony is really just the final scene of a fairytale.

Nobody ever tells you what happens after the ritual though.

Nobody ever tells you that Cinderella drove Prince Philip crazy with her obsessive need to clean the castle (because she missed her day job, right?).

Nobody ever tells you what happens after because...there is no after.

The be-all and end-all of romantic love was/is marriage. Marriage, that's right.

But it wasn't always like that...

Around the 12th century there was a notion called courtly love where love had nothing to do with marriage and nothing to do with sex. In most cases it was defined as a passionate relationship between a knight and a lady of the court who was already married; and so they could never consummate their love. They would have to rise above your ordinary (you know, going to the bathroom in front of each other kind of love) and find something more divine. They took sex out of the equation and what was left was a union of souls.

Now think of this: sex was always the fatal love potion.

Look at the literature: 'Lancelot and Guinevere', 'Tristan and Isolde' (for examples) - all consummation could lead to was madness, despair, or death!

Clinical experts, scholars, and my Aunt Esther are united in the belief that true love has spiritual dimensions while romantic love is nothing but a lie...an illusion...modern myth...a soulless manipulation.

Speaking of manipulation...

It's like going to the movies to see a romance film, when we see the lovers on screen kiss, the music swells, and we like it, right? So that makes you think when my date takes you home and kisses you goodnight, if I don't hear the philharmonic in my head, you dump him!

Now the question is: why do we buy it?

We buy it because whether it's a myth or a manipulation, let's face it: we all want to fall in love.

Why?

Because that experience makes us feel completely alive! Where every sense is heightened, every emotion magnified, where our everyday reality is shattered and flung into the heavens!

It may only last a moment, an hour, or an afternoon...but it doesn't diminish its value because we're left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives.

I read an article a while ago that says when we fall in love we hear Puccini in our heads. I love that. I think it's because his music fully expresses our longing for passion in our lives and romantic love. And while we listen to La Boheme or read 'Wuthering Heights' or watch 'Casa Blanca'...a little bit of that love lives in us too.

So the final question is: why do people want to fall in love when it can have such short shelf life and be devastatingly painful?

It leads to the propagation of the species? Psychologically, we need to connect to somebody? Because we're culturally pre-conditioned? Good answers but much too intellectual for me.

I think it's because, as some of you already may know, while you have it...it feels fucking great!

Happiness vs. Excitement

Too many people pursue happiness. You shouldn't. Because happy situations rarely stay happy. Instead, you should pursue excitement. Everyone gets excited over little and big things. Excitement is actually the glue that holds together happiness. -- Frankie

Or some bullshit like that. The point is...embrace the excitement and treat it as happiness and be content with that!

I get excited over lots of little things: seeing my nephews after weeks and weeks of not, the thought of doing something i've wanted to do in a long time, a new episode of Once Upon A Time, hearing someone's good news, etc. Thinking like this helps me get through tricky times and would highly recommend practising the principle if life is dealing you a shitty hand lately.

The Jane Austen Marriage Manual

Tagline: Doesn't every girl wish she could find her Mr Darcy?

My friend sent me this book yesterday and I read it all last night.

It's a romantic comedy, sort of like a modern Pride and Prejudice. I love the Jane Austen themes and how the beginning of each chapter starts with a Jane Austen quote, such as: “Vanity working on a weak head produces every sort of mischief" - Emma (Jane Austen).

It's about a single, forty year old woman who goes on a mission to prove that she can “make a good marriage” in modern times. In other words, she throws her scruples out the window and sets off on a mercenary mission to marry for money.

Sparkle

Carrie Bradshaw mentioned the "sparkle" in one of the Sex and the City movies, someone wrote a whole book about it, and we have lost it. Anyway, "life is like a washing machine" so...make sure you have a good plumber on stand-by? Or something to that effect. It's late and my brain is mashed. I'll leave you with this excerpt of relevance to how i'm feeling right now from a book I read once:

There was an unsettling feeling in her stomach. Not just the pit of her stomach like if she was upset or ashamed. But a stirring in the whole of her stomach, unsettling her, because she sensed what was coming.
"In light of the situation," she found herself saying, "I think we should--"
"No." He interrupted abruptly. "Take a break? No. Split up? No. I'm not having that."
Exasperation made her rolls her eyes.
"It's not just your decision, Stace."
"It's not just yours either." She countered. "And besides," she added to her argument, "when I start messing you around THEN you can come at me with that." She exhaled the stirring tension in her stomach. "I am sick to death of how you're treating me - I'm tired of the whiplash of changing emotions that you cause me."
Silence.
What was she expecting exactly? A better expectation for his questionable actions? An apology?
She exhaled calmly again.
"I don't know what you want me to say..."
She offered him a wan smile, her usually unwavering sympathy disappearing into thin air, and then she nodded slowly.
"When it comes to me, you never do."
He opened his mouth to protest.
He's socially awkward. He's not a good communicator. He's unable to think up conversions. He's inept at speaking his own thoughts.
"Yet when it comes to anybody else, you become a poet with your ideas and your music and your stories..."
By the end of every day, the only thing he had left for her was a simple goodnight when all she wanted was to know about his day.
"Stace..."
"Stop." She held her breath for exactly ten seconds, she counted in her head.
That's when she walked away. She could no longer deal with the stress of this conversation.
Or if she was quite honest with herself, she was fed up of having the same conversation over and over again. The awful thing about it was that she knew when she woke up the following morning things will resume their normality.
Life is like a washing machine, it has plenty of different settings, but she was pretty sure hers was faulty and was stuck on a repeat spin cycle.

It took me five hours to do this floor plan. Picking out correct shapes, readjusting the angles, resizing the items,  measuring distances, adding colours, and locking each item in place... Very tedious work. That is the last time I do a favour for someone.

A friend of mine e-mailed me this picture and said "I imagine your life to be like this". I don't know what he's trying to say about me...

I read a unique article online about Karlie Kloss's photo-shoot at Masaya Volcano National Park (by Ryan McGinley for The New York Times Style Magazine). This part of the article I liked especially:

It’s about 4 o'clock on a Thursday, and a caftan-bedecked Karlie Kloss is perched on the edge of a gigantic, fuming volcano crater, her bare legs and feet dangling into the hazy void.
‘Make it look more adventurous,’ calls out Ryan McGinley, the photographer snapping her from an equally precarious spot on a nearby outcropping of rock.
‘It’s pretty damn adventurous,’ Kloss yells back.

Like, she had her legs dangling inside a steaming volcano...what more do you want?

House of Leaves

Ages and ages and ages and ages ago I read a Mark Z Danielewski book called 'The Whalestoe Letters', and then not so long ago I read 'House of Leaves' - brilliantly crazy book.

"Passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. It is not about feeling good. It is about endurance. Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer."

In this case he refers to love as passion.

Love is not about happiness but patience. Love isn't about feeling good a hundred percent of the time but enduring the bad feelings. People suffer through love because love is worth it.

I've never really understood what he meant but after a certain life experience(?) I do understand exactly his perspective.

Sad Songs For A Sad Day

"Sad songs for a sad day" as compiled by Helena and I:-

• Remembering Sunday - All Time Low
• Million Dollar Houses - Pierce the Veil
• Teen Idle - Marina and the Diamonds
• Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade
• I'm Not Missing You - Amely
• Hold On Til May - Pierce the Veil
• Never Saw It Coming - Tigers Jaw
• Intensity In Ten Cities - Chiodos
• Fix You - Coldplay
• When You Can't Sleep At Night - Of Mice and Men
• If It Means A Lot To You - ADTR
• Goodnight Moon - Go Radio
• Miles Away - Memphis May Fire
• Andria - La Dispute
• Stay Away From My Friends - Pierce the Veil

Phrases I Like

On my other blog, there's currently a discussion on "phrases I like". I thought i'd share my list of phrases I like here too.

"I miss you."

"How are you?"

"Tomorrow."

"I love you."

"Don't go."

"Stay."

"Wanna do something?"

"Be there soon."

"Tea?"

"Let's go now."

"Good morning."

This week I was forced into having keyhole surgery. Ok, maybe not FORCED but definitely coerced.

It was horrendous. I hated every moment of it.

The nurse who was taking a blood sample from me couldn't find a vein, so she was stabbing my arm to death, and then when the needle was in and the blood was going into that test tube thing my blood pressure decided it was going to drop dramatically low.

Then I was prepared for surgery, wearing nothing but my underwear and a hospital gown - I was freezing and literally couldn't stop shivering. Then came the anaesthetic  and the doctor said it wouldn't put me to sleep but I wouldn't feel a thing. I did try explaining to the doctor that regular anaesthetic doesn't work on me but "you'll be fine, you won't feel a thing".

I felt pretty much everything. I felt the knife slicing through my stomach. I felt them poking around in my stomach - oddest sensation ever. I don't remember what happened after that as I tried to sit up but a nurse held me down and I was injected with something that made me unaware of what was going on. I do, however, remember being stitched up and feeling my body shudder when the nurse pulled the stringy thing; I hated that.

Then I was wheeled into a little dark room where I was left on the bed with no blanket for what felt like hours. I was freezing and I remember my toes hurting.

When a nurse finally arrived, she pulled out the needle in my arm and my blood just kept on pouring out, it just wouldn't stop no matter how many pressure bandages they put on it (they had to change them constantly because the blood kept seeping through). At that point they were worried that they had damaged my vein by stabbing it a good few times, so that was quite worrying... But thankfully by about seven-o-clock it stopped bleeding. A nurse came and washed my arm that was stained with blood, she wasn't exactly gentle either and probably made my arm even more sore.

And then a couple of my stitches re-opened so I had to endure being stitched up again, and then they finally bandaged me up and left me to rest (that was after forcing me to eat a chocolate bar to get my blood sugar higher and to drink a couple of cold drinks to stop me from getting dizzy due to blood loss - that hurt my stomach).

The whole experience was awful. I didn't like it. I don't ever want to do it again.

A Haiku For Every Girl I've Ever Slept With...by Benedict Smith

1. The haiku form is an appropriate length to describe with fuck.
2. When I handcuffed you, it was insanely hot, I came in my jeans.
3. We used to have sex so we didn't have to talk. Now we do neither.
4. We had a threesome. You, me, and my depression. Depression fucks hard.
5. I shouted my love from the rooftops before almost jumping off.
6. You didn't like me but you did like my writing, I guess that's enough.
7. Entangled, twitching, we came down as cenotaphs numb with limbless minds.
8. Tried your fantasy and pretended to rape you. It felt a bit forced.
9. You learned of my pain and said you'd try to fix me. That wasn't your job.
10. You were very large but alcohol and codeine made you not so large.
11. You liked to be choked, you stuffed animals for fun, you were just my type.
12. Halfway through you sobbed, said you were touched as a child. I stopped and held you.
13. Thirteen is bad luck but three's a lucky number, fourteen would agree.
14. It wasn't awkward. It was just double the fun. That's arithmetic.
15. Puked everywhere and then fell into a bush. You still wanted me.
16. Our contrasting skin meant some passersby would stare and we just loved it.
17. You were a model who found me through my writing. Thank you, internet.
18. We made a sex tape. I hope I find it before my family does.
19. I whipped you too hard, inadvertently drew blood, quickly apologised.
20. Cars drove by as I fingered you at a bus stop (a romantic date).
21. It's strange to think it but before you miscarried, was I a father?
22. We both got naked online for our followers in different ways.
23. "You don't care", you said, so I pretended to cry, and then we had sex.
24. You liked taking charge and I went along with it out of laziness.
25. I tried to whip you, then I hit my testicles...it ruined the mood.
26. It took twenty five, twenty five, misconnections before I found you.

I was talking to my "stress nurse" yesterday and she taught me a little did-you-know fact.

Did you know, on average, the human body needs eight positive touches a day to survive? This includes hand shakes, a hand on the shoulder, a hug, a kiss, etc.

So, if you think about it, people that are depressed are just upset because they don’t get attention...because when your body lacks positive touches it can stunt your growth and effect your mental and emotional development.

*hugs to everyone out there*

Lazy Sunday

Hello from the North.

I propose a New Year resolution for you.

Enjoy the little things in life, take pleasure in them, know that they add up to the big things.

Someone once said, and it was Kurt Vonneout, "enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realise they were the big things."