A Haiku For Every Girl I've Ever Slept With...by Benedict Smith

1. The haiku form is an appropriate length to describe with fuck.
2. When I handcuffed you, it was insanely hot, I came in my jeans.
3. We used to have sex so we didn't have to talk. Now we do neither.
4. We had a threesome. You, me, and my depression. Depression fucks hard.
5. I shouted my love from the rooftops before almost jumping off.
6. You didn't like me but you did like my writing, I guess that's enough.
7. Entangled, twitching, we came down as cenotaphs numb with limbless minds.
8. Tried your fantasy and pretended to rape you. It felt a bit forced.
9. You learned of my pain and said you'd try to fix me. That wasn't your job.
10. You were very large but alcohol and codeine made you not so large.
11. You liked to be choked, you stuffed animals for fun, you were just my type.
12. Halfway through you sobbed, said you were touched as a child. I stopped and held you.
13. Thirteen is bad luck but three's a lucky number, fourteen would agree.
14. It wasn't awkward. It was just double the fun. That's arithmetic.
15. Puked everywhere and then fell into a bush. You still wanted me.
16. Our contrasting skin meant some passersby would stare and we just loved it.
17. You were a model who found me through my writing. Thank you, internet.
18. We made a sex tape. I hope I find it before my family does.
19. I whipped you too hard, inadvertently drew blood, quickly apologised.
20. Cars drove by as I fingered you at a bus stop (a romantic date).
21. It's strange to think it but before you miscarried, was I a father?
22. We both got naked online for our followers in different ways.
23. "You don't care", you said, so I pretended to cry, and then we had sex.
24. You liked taking charge and I went along with it out of laziness.
25. I tried to whip you, then I hit my testicles...it ruined the mood.
26. It took twenty five, twenty five, misconnections before I found you.

I was talking to my "stress nurse" yesterday and she taught me a little did-you-know fact.

Did you know, on average, the human body needs eight positive touches a day to survive? This includes hand shakes, a hand on the shoulder, a hug, a kiss, etc.

So, if you think about it, people that are depressed are just upset because they don’t get attention...because when your body lacks positive touches it can stunt your growth and effect your mental and emotional development.

*hugs to everyone out there*

Lazy Sunday

Hello from the North.

I propose a New Year resolution for you.

Enjoy the little things in life, take pleasure in them, know that they add up to the big things.

Someone once said, and it was Kurt Vonneout, "enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realise they were the big things."

Letters to nowhere...

YOUR LIFE IS NOT AN EPISODE OF SKINS.

THINGS WILL NEVER LOOK QUITE AS GOOD AS THEY DO IN A FADED, SUN-DRENCHED POLAROID.

YOUR DAYS ARE NOT AN EDITORIAL FROM LULA.

YOUR LIFE IS NOT A SOFIA COPPOLA MOVIE, OR A CHUCK PALAHNIUK NOVEL, OR A CHARLES BUKOWSKI POEM.

GRACE CODDINGTON ISN’T YOUR CREATIVE DIRECTOR.

BON IVER AND JOY DIVISION DON’T PLAY SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND AT APPROPRIATE MOMENTS.

YOUR HYSTERICAL TEENAGE DIARY ISN’T A WORK OF ART.

YOUR ROOM PROBABLY ISN’T SELBY MATERIAL.

EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WILL NOT BE BEAUTIFUL AND POIGNANT, AND INFINITELY QUOTABLE.

YOUR PAIN WILL NOT BE PRETTY. CRYING TILL YOU VOMIT IS ALWAYS SHIT. YOU CANNOT ROMANTICISE HURT. OR SADNESS. OR LONELINESS.

YOU WILL HAVE TO GO WORK, AND HANGOVERS, AND BAD HAIR DAYS.

THE TRAIN BEING LATE WON’T LEAD TO ANY FATEFUL ENCOUNTERS, IT WILL MAKE YOU LATE.

SOMETIMES YOUR WORK WILL SUCK. SOMETIMES YOU WILL SUCK. FAR TOO OFTEN, EVERYTHING WILL SUCK - AND NOT IN A WES ANDERSON KIND OF WAY.

AND THERE IS NO DIVINE CONSOLATION - ONLY THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WE WILL HOPEFULLY EXPERIENCE THE FULL SPECTRUM - AND THAT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, LIFE WILL FEEL LIKE A COPPOLA FILM.

Read this short article somewhere on the Internet and couldn't help thinking about my boyfriend...


Reasons for if I don’t reply to your text:

• I reply at the speed of molasses
• I lost track of it because what is organisation
• I didn’t notice that you replied
• I legit cannot think of any way to continue and awkwardly stopped
• I’ve already mentally replied to you and wandered into the depths of distractions and forget

Troublemaking at the library...

Excuse me, miss - could you hand me that book over there?

No, the one further down... all the way down - yes, bend over like that. Bottom shelf, please.

No, not that one... further to the left.

What? No, I'm not feeling your bum, just steadying you. It's hard to keep your balance bent over like that wearing heels and all.

Why, the inside of your thigh is very smooth. Do you mind terribly if I put my hand a bit further up your skirt, miss?

Steady... yes, just hold on to that shelf. Doesn't this feel nice? It seems like I've found a rather wet spot up here. Let me just pull these knickers aside...

Really, I think you have a bit of a problem here. Let me see if it helps if I just slide my thumb inside... like this. And now I can just cup your pussy with my fingers, and keep my thumb in there nice and snug.

Miss, you've got to keep quiet... this is a library after all.

Come now. Straighten up. Look - see how wet my fingers are? Now what are we going to do about this?

- MON MOUTH