Anhedonia

For those who don't have an interest in words ending in '-nia', it means "lack of pleasure in anything".

My mum saw a doctor regarding her emotions once, she said she was fed up of everything and she no longer wanted to carry on doing anything - whether it be working, or household chores, or even speaking to her family or friends. The doctor labelled it depression, saying that's what was causing her to get anhedonia, she said "it's more a horror of the world than lack of pleasure".

Sometimes I think we all go through stages in our lives where we feel less connected to the things we enjoy (hobbies, our families, projects, etc). It doesn't mean we don't love those things any more, it just means that maybe you've had your fill of a good thing and need a break or some time for yourself.

Moral of the post: the black cloud always passes.

Do you remember Paris?

You have never said much. You save words, I spend them. One of us is richer for it. As always I made my choices about what you were thinking. It made it easier for me, to assume an understanding of your desire.

Read this and thought of you...

Perfect Timing by Michael Faudet

Sometimes you make me feel like a clock perched on a dusty shelf, she said.

Counting down the hours, the minutes and seconds until we meet.

And when we do, the hands become my legs.

Forever stuck on 4.40pm.

I don't trust you as much as I used to.

There... I said it.

It's not the act itself that you did. I've forgiven that. It was nothing. It's the fact that you did it whilst we were not talking to each other. Exactly what Haiden did to me. That's why it hurts so much. I didn't expect it from you.

Now I don't know how to bring it back. Now i'm struggling to...

I feel like i'm back to being that emotional wreck I was at the beginning. I'm not sure if I can handle it any more.

Besides, you're doing great without me anyway.

Baby News

My big sister is expecting a baby! Congratulations, Cass!

There's a tradition in our family (stems from my mother's side) that all baby girls have to have a middle name from the family tree. I totally forgot all about this tradition until Cass and I started discussing baby names today.

For most the afternoon we've looking at names that are on our family tree and together we've narrowed it down to this long list:

• Rose
• Anne/Ann 
• Maya 
• Amelia 
• Ophealia 
• Isobel 
• Tilly 
• Amanda 
• Sarah 
• Kita 
• Nicola 
• Harriet
• Nita
• Joyce 
• Kirstie 
• Valerie
• Kelly
• Danielle 
• Rebekah
• Jennifer 
• Melanie
• Eliza (God forbid she is named after me!)

Personally, I think these are the best:

• Alice Rose
• Alice Amelia
• Alice Ophealia

A friend of mine e-mailed me this picture and said "I imagine your life to be like this". I don't know what he's trying to say about me...

Sad Songs For A Sad Day

"Sad songs for a sad day" as compiled by Helena and I:-

• Remembering Sunday - All Time Low
• Million Dollar Houses - Pierce the Veil
• Teen Idle - Marina and the Diamonds
• Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade
• I'm Not Missing You - Amely
• Hold On Til May - Pierce the Veil
• Never Saw It Coming - Tigers Jaw
• Intensity In Ten Cities - Chiodos
• Fix You - Coldplay
• When You Can't Sleep At Night - Of Mice and Men
• If It Means A Lot To You - ADTR
• Goodnight Moon - Go Radio
• Miles Away - Memphis May Fire
• Andria - La Dispute
• Stay Away From My Friends - Pierce the Veil

I propose a New Year resolution for you.

Enjoy the little things in life, take pleasure in them, know that they add up to the big things.

Someone once said, and it was Kurt Vonneout, "enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realise they were the big things."

Read this short article somewhere on the Internet and couldn't help thinking about my boyfriend...


Reasons for if I don’t reply to your text:

• I reply at the speed of molasses
• I lost track of it because what is organisation
• I didn’t notice that you replied
• I legit cannot think of any way to continue and awkwardly stopped
• I’ve already mentally replied to you and wandered into the depths of distractions and forget

Ladies, here's a fact for you.

I learned something new today:

On average menstruation starts at the age of twelve and ends at the age of fifty two.

Let's think about this for the minute.

Forty years of periods means... Four hundred and eighty periods, times that by an average length of five days...that’s two thousand four hundred days of bleeding, or six point fifty eight years of blood.

After telling me this, Suzie turned to me and said, "think of all the people you could drown in nearly seven years worth of blood..." The thought of drowning in thick, gloopy blood made me gag.

This little man makes me smile loads (:

Happy Diwali

There's an Indian mother and daughter family who live a couple of doors down from my flat and I was walking passed them this morning as they were spray painting some patterns onto the floor outside of their door.

The mother smiled at me and said "happy diwali".

I learned that Diwali is the "festival of lights", and that it's a five day festival in India that celebrates the victory of good over evil. Today and for the next five days, Indians all over the world will be lighting candles all over their houses, letting off fireworks and firecrackers, sharing sweets, and worshipping the goddess of wealth - Lakshmi.

They invited me into their home to show me all of their home-made candles and decorations, and hanging on the wall above the fireplace was a large picture of this:

This is how India looks from outer space on Diwali night.

"I had the most amazing sex dream with Giancarlo Esposito last night. It all happened because I watched the new episode of Revolution. I just want him to man handle & be rough with me. Dude. That shit is hot. Why is he so hot? Dude had his shirt off in this episode… I just want him."

The e-mails I get from Adam are almost always sex related. Think he has a problem. Heh.

Cass and D made up.
My work is done.

I legitimately do not understand the practice of men shouting and whistling at women when they drive by.

Do you expect us to run after your car screaming, "WAIT, COME BACK, I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!"?

Don't bother commenting on this, Chris, I know your thoughts already!

You shouldn't be with someone because you have everything in common with that person. You should be with someone because you two are able to tolerate each other's differences. Having everything in common is for best friends. Opening each other's minds to new worlds is love.

Went outside and saw the moon and it made me think of you.

I spoke to Helena today for the first time in months.

The last time I spoke to her I was "home" and she was visiting her family after having a huge argument with her partner, he was moving out of her apartment in Liverpool  while she was away visiting. I haven't spoken to her since she left to go back to Liverpool. Makes me a bad friend I guess for not checking how she was after the break up but I was in my "bubble".

Anyway...

She e-mailed me today. This long, lengthy, heart breaking and heart warming, humorous e-mail about what's happened and where she's at.

Basically, when she arrived back at Liverpool from her visit her partner hadn't moved out which resulted in Helena throwing his belonging out of the window and onto the street... Classy. Heated argument ensued. Helena proceeded to take the piss out of his Liverpool accent. He finally left. She lost her job as a professional photographer for some up-and-coming company because he kept bothering her at work. Now she's packing up her belongings and heading to Manchester.

But anyway...

I called her for a chat tonight. She had some funny stories to tell me. She had just gotten back from a "date" and she was filling me in on the juicy details. Not that I particularly wanted to hear them. But it was nice. Very lovely. I miss her. Sometimes.

Also today...

I just received a phone call from my ex-best-friend's cousin. Random, I know. But he called to apologise for something that happened when I was fourteen years old. WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN YEARS OLD.

He said he was in rehab' now, going through the stage where you have to apologise for all the wrong things you've done when taking drugs. I imagine his list to be miles long.

The thing he did wrong to me? He slammed me against the wall and threatened me and threw me downstairs.

It wasn't as bad as it seems.

I got right back up and walked straight back upstairs and dragged him out of the house, locking him out.

We were in his grandad's house (also my best friend's grandad's house) and he was on some sort of trip and it wasn't pretty and Jazz just wanted him out of the house before her grandad got back.

Basically that's it.

Crazy phone call.

I was talking to Rick today about something and bless his heart he was trying to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about. Well, I say talking but it was more like incoherent sentences, just some of my thoughts coming out all jumbled. Yeah...it's a mess in my head at the moment. I'm in the process of clearing things up but whenever I get close to everything being in it's box, something else comes up and I think about it and...it's a big mess again.

Point is... It makes  me do the mardy thing again and I can't help it and sometimes I don't even know i'm being like it and it's difficult for...people.