Anhedonia

For those who don't have an interest in words ending in '-nia', it means "lack of pleasure in anything".

My mum saw a doctor regarding her emotions once, she said she was fed up of everything and she no longer wanted to carry on doing anything - whether it be working, or household chores, or even speaking to her family or friends. The doctor labelled it depression, saying that's what was causing her to get anhedonia, she said "it's more a horror of the world than lack of pleasure".

Sometimes I think we all go through stages in our lives where we feel less connected to the things we enjoy (hobbies, our families, projects, etc). It doesn't mean we don't love those things any more, it just means that maybe you've had your fill of a good thing and need a break or some time for yourself.

Moral of the post: the black cloud always passes.

“Stop minimizing and discounting your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do. Your feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if you feel something, then you feel it and it’s real to you. It’s not something you can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at you, tugging at your core, and in order to find peace, you have to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You have to let go of what you’ve been told you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. You have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame you into silence. You have to listen to the sound of your own breathing and honor the truth inside you. Because despite what you may believe, you don’t need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what you feel. Your feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and they matter — you matter — and it is more than okay to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.”

— Daniell Koepke

I think everyone has a side where they are depressed and unhappy. Some people ignore it. Some people try to change it. Some people completely show it. And some people, they deal with it.

If ever I have a son, this will be their birds and the bees talk:

Big Poppa E. - “How To Make Love”

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.

(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.

(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.

Love, Dad.

There are very few people in my life who I label as "interesting", my boyfriend for one - though I have known for years I still find him as mysterious as ever, and then there is a thirty three year old man I met at the court house yesterday.

He was appointed to keep me company whilst I sat for hours in the witness room. He brought me tea and biscuits and he chatted non-stop about so many interesting things (mainly T'ai Chi and Reiki).

In the time I spent with him I pretty much found out his whole life story: he left school and studied engineering but hated it so he quit, he then studied sports therapy and because a football coach but that wasn't challenging enough for him so he decided to teach sports therapy to college students, during this time he decided to learn T'ai Chi and joined a class only the teacher was a bully and beat him up every lesson but he finally found a different teacher and now he's blossomed into a lovely teacher of it as well as teaching a bit of Reiki. He's a lovely and friendly man, very open and not very confident and he always put himself down.

He told me that he hated going out of his comfort zone but that he was required to go to Malaysia to train with his Zen Master and he's terrified: terrified of flying, terrified of being on his own, terrified of training outside in the heat for five hours straight... I tried to comfort him but i'm rubbish at doing that kind of stuff. I just wanted to hug him.

Guess i'm writing this down because I want to remember him and all the advice he's given me...

A List Of Thinkings I Should Remember

1. time heals
2. the sunrise is constant
3. salt water stings
4. i am worth all of it
5. driving calms
6. the music will never end
7. books finish (sometimes happily)
8. locked doors can be unlocked
9. trees produce oxygen
10. i produce carbon dioxide
11. stars die all the time
12. the sun burns

Note To Self

I shouldn't listen to this song:

Stone Sour - Made of Scars

Kurt Cobain once said that if you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on and that he's not afraid of dying, and total peace after death - becoming someone else - is the best hope he's got.

That has been me for the past few days. Thinking the best hope i've got is becoming someone else.

Someone once told me: 


"Eliza, take all the time you need. Shit, its been two years since everything went crazy for me. It still hurts knowing I messed everything up. I can put up this front all I want, have all the fun I can. But when I hit that bed sometimes, it all comes back. And it sucks. Let's hope it doesn't damper who you are. Hopefully these negative feelings will subside, even if not completely."


I hope they do subside for the sake of my sanity. 


I feel like i've changed into a completely different person.

All I want to do is hug you so tight that you feel how hard I fucking love you.

All I want is to look you in the eyes, kiss your lips gently and tell you it will all be ok…

Because it will be. Everything is going to be ok.