I should have gone to work...

Hey, it's me again...doing nothing but complaining.

All dinner this evening my dad was picking out my imperfections and telling everyone what was wrong with me. I just said to him “cool story, bro” and got up and left. It was horrible.

My mother this morning saw the scar I have on my hip from when I jumped out of my bedroom window (long story) and asked if I self harm... Before I could even answer her she went on a rant and started checking my wrists. She really tests my patience sometimes.

Blah.

Last night was probably one of the worse night's out of my life. I guess I should have seen it coming... Feeling like a complete emotional wreck and drinking alcohol aren't exactly a match made in heaven. Shaunna and Paula were busy doing their thing as best friends and I was stuck looking after Nikki who was wasted on pills and alcohol - she ended up throwing up for forty five minutes. To top it off, for some reason or other, when Shaunna asked if I was ok, I burst out crying in the middle of the dance floor. That was pretty much the time Jase told me he was taking me home.

So much for blowing out...

All I want to do is hug you so tight that you feel how hard I fucking love you.

All I want is to look you in the eyes, kiss your lips gently and tell you it will all be ok…

Because it will be. Everything is going to be ok.

Yes, i'm a fan of the Kracker.

Sometimes I feel like something is gone here.
Something is wrong here, I don’t belong here.
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town.
And i’ve lost what I found, it’ll all turn around.

In a little while i’ll be thinkin’ about you.
In a little while i’ll still be here without you.
In a little while i’ll be thinkin’ about you, baby...i’ll be thinkin’ about you, baby.

A really depressing fact:

LENNIE NEVER GOT TO TEND THE RABBITS.

Of Mice And Men actually makes me cry when Lennie dies. I remember reading that scene over and over and it making me cry.

Just read the ending tonight, crying my eyes out.

Can't sleep.

Need to go for a very long walk to think about everything, to try and sort things out, clear my head.

Oh my God, holy shit, i'm so excited to be going away with Chris so very very soon!

Can't wait.
Can't wait.
Can't wait.

The Stupid Things Girl Say

Eliza: Wait a second, so you kissed this douche bag but you don’t usually kiss someone on the first date?
Zizi: Yes, that’s right.
Eliza: So why would you kiss him?
Zizi: I don’t know. I guess we were both there and I had needs or something.
Eliza: But you didn’t plan on seeing him again?
Zizi: Yes.
Eliza: What on earth would you have done if you liked him?
Zizi: Nothing.
Eliza:  Wait. So if you had liked him you wouldn’t have done anything with him but since you didn’t like him you made out with him all over town?
Zizi: That’s about right.
Eliza: You realise that makes zero sense, right?
Zizi: It makes sense to me.
Eliza: I think you’re retarded.

And...

Helena: Money's not important to me. I can live without a lot of it. *iPod starts playing Billionaire* "I wanna be a billionaire so fucking baaad..."

(awkward)

Eliza: Yeah, obviously not important to you.

Grr.

My family may not be conventional. And maybe you don’t understand them like I do. But I love them til the end of the universe. So if you ever say anything like that to my face ever again... I swear to god. You better hope someone’s there holding me back from destroying your scrawny mother fucking ass. Dick.

To be beside the sea.

I think I was born to live by the North Sea...with a small yacht. Think that's where my heart lays.

This is Ice, we gave him a home for a few days. :)

I'm pretty sure i'd be texting him again right now, for the fifth or sixth time, but I don't want to blow up his phone with my texts. I just really miss him. I've been missing him all week. I don't understand why i'm feeling this needy. Maybe because the time is getting closer and I really, really need him, more than anything i've ever needed in my life.

Usually I stop myself from being like this -- clingy, but I just can't stop it... I want him so bad. Though...I don't want him to think i'm one of those clingy girls that are around, because i'm not, at least I don't think I am.

I love him. We need to be together.

Best Quote of the Year

I realise we are only a few days into 2011, however, I do believe i’ve already heard the quote of the year. You be the judge:

“If porn has taught me anything, and I believe it has, it’s that old MILFs love anal.”

Beat that!

Favourite Yeah Yeah Yeahs song?

“Warrior” changed my life and made me comfortable being myself.
“Maps” has been there for me forever.
“Mystery Girl” has always been my party song.
“Cold Light” taught me how to rock a private concert in my shower.

Pierce The Veil - Caraphernelia

Sunshine, there ain't a thing that you can do that's gonna ruin my night (but there's just something about you).

This dizzy dreamer and her bleeding little blue boy, licking your fingers like you're done and, you decided there is so much more than me.

And baby honestly it's harder breathing next to you, I shake, I brought a gun in as the preacher tried to stop me, hold my heart it's beating for you anyway.

What if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat, i'll be the fire that will catch you. What's so good about picking up the pieces? None of the colours ever light up anymore in this hole.

Nobody prays for the heartless. Nobody gives another penny for the selfish, you're learning how to taste what you kill now.

Don't mind me, i'm just reaching for your necklace. Talkin' to my mama 'bout this little girl from Texas.

What if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat, i'll be the fire that will catch you.

What's so good about picking up the pieces? None of the colours ever light up anymore in this hole. Just give her back to me, you know I can't afford the medicine that feeds what I need.

So baby what if I can't forget you? (What if I can't forget you?) Am I invisible ink, like a shadow on the wall, just go, oh no. You can't just throw me away.

So what if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat. I'll be the fire that'll catch you. And what's so good about picking up the pieces? What if I don't even want to?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh. What if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat, i'll be the fire that'll catch you.

What's so good about picking up the pieces? None of the colours ever light up anymore in this hole.

Just give her back to me, you know I can't afford the medicine that feeds what I need. So baby what if I can't forget you (what if I can't forget you)?

What's so good about picking up the pieces? What's so good about? What's so good about? What's so good about picking up the pieces?

It’s Kind of A Funny Story

I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.

A New Year

I'd wish everyone a happy new year but there's truly no such thing as a "happy" new year. It's just wishful thinking, isn't it? I mean, it's just impossible to go a whole year without anyone making you feel sad or upsetting you.

So, to all those who have had a not-so-great 2010, I hope you have a better year this year. Lord knows i'm hoping for a better year, and it will be better cause I get to be with my baby! Hope everyone survives 2011!