Really, America?

So...I picked up a magazine when I was at Suzie's and came this about American politics:

“Look, these people, they’re fucking retarded.

Rape can’t cause pregnancy? Breastmilk cures homosexuality? I caused a hurricane by challenging creationism?

Who can possibly take these people seriously anymore?

It used to be Republicans didn’t believe in global warming or evolution.

That was bad enough.

Now they don’t even believe in egg + sperm = baby.

Where does Todd Akin think babies come from? Does he think there are separate storks for people who were raped and people who weren’t?

'Hey look at me! I’m the rape stork. I drop off all my babies directly at the orphanage.'

He’s a fucking idiot. Just a plain fucking idiot. I’m sorry - I don’t say that word very often - but it happens to fit in this case. He’s just a fucking idiot.”

Bill Nye, the Science Guy regarding Todd Akin and the Republican Party

Anyone know the moral of the story?

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday.
"I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."
I said, "ok, but don't go in that field over there..."
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish - on any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores.
A short time later...I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big, old, mean bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs. "Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!"

Saw a van on the high street today that was covered in dirt and someone had written "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van". I wrote "she is...when you are at work!" Couldn't help myself.

Jamie has a dirty mind. This morning we were talking about holidays and I was telling him that i'm going to San Fran in September. He said I should take him with me. The rest of the conversation went like this:

Eliza: You can come in my bag.
Jamie: *Dead silent, grinning, suddenly begins laughing and buries his head in his hands* I thought you said something else.
Eliza: *Embarrassed and trying to control my blushing* What did you think I said? Did you think I said “box”? Because I said “bag”. I said, “you can come in my BAG.” You are dirty minded!
Jamie: I know.

She really had it coming to her...

Helena:  Get me the most German beer in this place!

Bartender:  But...this is an Irish bar.

Eliza:  FAIL!