Bad Karma, Bad Dream

Yesterday, I had a bad experience with a smear test -- yes, I know, i'm cursed with bad luck and bad karma. But last night I dreamed about it...more like a nightmare.

Basically, in my nightmare, the gynecologist told me that i'll not be able to ever have kids and Chris broke up with me for that fact and everyone basically treated me like I was an outcast...

UGH, WHY DO I DREAM SO MUCH?!

Black & White

I dislike people who think of everything as being black and white; the people who think it's either yes and no; the people who absolutely cannot comprehend that there might just be something other than "black" or "white" - like the fuzzy "grey" area in between for example. People, situations, relationships...are often not as straightforward as that, and narrow-minded people who can't see that bug me.

Do you know like we were saying, about the Earth revolving? It's like when you're a kid, the first time they tell you that the world is turning and you just can't quite believe it cause everything looks like it's standing still? I can feel it, the turn of the earth. The ground beneath our feet is spinning at a thousand miles per hour. The entire planet is hurtling around the sun at sixty-seven miles per hour. And I can feel it. We're falling through space, you and me, clinging to the skin of this tiny little world. And if we let go... That's who I am.

Something the therapist told me today:

The most self-damaging thing is acting like everything is ok - it's not ok and you know it. Pretending not to feel any pain just doubles what you actually feel inside, and then you suffer more.

I spoke to Helena today for the first time in months.

The last time I spoke to her I was "home" and she was visiting her family after having a huge argument with her partner, he was moving out of her apartment in Liverpool  while she was away visiting. I haven't spoken to her since she left to go back to Liverpool. Makes me a bad friend I guess for not checking how she was after the break up but I was in my "bubble".

Anyway...

She e-mailed me today. This long, lengthy, heart breaking and heart warming, humorous e-mail about what's happened and where she's at.

Basically, when she arrived back at Liverpool from her visit her partner hadn't moved out which resulted in Helena throwing his belonging out of the window and onto the street... Classy. Heated argument ensued. Helena proceeded to take the piss out of his Liverpool accent. He finally left. She lost her job as a professional photographer for some up-and-coming company because he kept bothering her at work. Now she's packing up her belongings and heading to Manchester.

But anyway...

I called her for a chat tonight. She had some funny stories to tell me. She had just gotten back from a "date" and she was filling me in on the juicy details. Not that I particularly wanted to hear them. But it was nice. Very lovely. I miss her. Sometimes.

Maybe I should accept those tablets the doctor keeps offering me. Maybe it's better to feel nothing at all.

I don't know anything any more.

Also today...

I just received a phone call from my ex-best-friend's cousin. Random, I know. But he called to apologise for something that happened when I was fourteen years old. WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN YEARS OLD.

He said he was in rehab' now, going through the stage where you have to apologise for all the wrong things you've done when taking drugs. I imagine his list to be miles long.

The thing he did wrong to me? He slammed me against the wall and threatened me and threw me downstairs.

It wasn't as bad as it seems.

I got right back up and walked straight back upstairs and dragged him out of the house, locking him out.

We were in his grandad's house (also my best friend's grandad's house) and he was on some sort of trip and it wasn't pretty and Jazz just wanted him out of the house before her grandad got back.

Basically that's it.

Crazy phone call.