I dream a lot but i'm not a dreamer - just had to clear that up.

Last night, or rather the early hours of this morning since I didn't manage to fall asleep until 6am, I had a dream. Fuck yeah you know this is going to be interesting (not).

I was standing in a dark room, doing what any other person would do when standing in a dark room and you don't know where you are (and, no, I didn't panic - I just tried to figure out my surroundings). All of a sudden lights turn on and it turns out i'm on a stage in front of a lot of different people in my life, very awkward if you ask me. Music starts playing, a tune that is faintly familiar. I can't say I know the song. I just recognise the tune. Someone starts singing. If I remember rightly it went a little something like... "time to change has come and gone, watched your fears become your God, it's your decision, overwhelmed you choose to run, apathetic to the stunned, it's your decision". Does anyone know that song? Maybe it's not a real song, anything is possible in my dreams. I ended up waking up before the song ended. I think the thought of having to face the audience frightened me awake to be honest.

So now I can't forget those lyrics that I remember from my dream. 

Am I having a good day?

Yes, everything is just fucking peachy.

Do you know what it feels like to be angry at yourself all of the time, to feel like you're being constantly squeezed by a rope tied around your body?

Sometimes it eases off, you know? Usually when i'm settled and content I can forget about it; but it's always there, and the slightest thing triggers it off, the rope squeezes tighter around me and I feel suffocated.

When it happens, I try not to project it on anyone else. I just come across as mardy because nobody understands. I don't think anybody can understand.

Oh, the doctor came to see me today. Fucking arsehole is starting to get on my last nerve.

Because you know what? I don't "self harm", since people keep assuming the worse. I just throw things and punch things and IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. I threw a vase, it smashed all over the place, and I didn't realise there were shards of broken porcelain on the dresser when I banged my fist and arm on the top - that's how I ended up tearing my arm to shreds. I didn't physically pick up a knife or a piece of glass or whatever people use and cut my arm up.

Is everyone happy now?

Kurt Cobain once said that if you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on and that he's not afraid of dying, and total peace after death - becoming someone else - is the best hope he's got.

That has been me for the past few days. Thinking the best hope i've got is becoming someone else.

Thoughts From An Insomniac

And if you were by my side right now, what would you do?
What do you feel when you think about me?
I don't want anybody else. It has to be you.

Someone once told me: 


"Eliza, take all the time you need. Shit, its been two years since everything went crazy for me. It still hurts knowing I messed everything up. I can put up this front all I want, have all the fun I can. But when I hit that bed sometimes, it all comes back. And it sucks. Let's hope it doesn't damper who you are. Hopefully these negative feelings will subside, even if not completely."


I hope they do subside for the sake of my sanity. 


I feel like i've changed into a completely different person.

To... You

I need you to give the strength to me. A strength I need from you.
I am a mess, you see. I've lost the plot so bad.
I need you to drag me up and out of the darkest place.

Oh... Wow. I have internet back on my mobile.

Maybe I can blog something sometime.

Thumbs up.