The Concept of Love

"Philip?" she said shyly, teasing his penis with the tip of her nail. In the next second, he was on top of her again. Lola opened her legs, and after he'd come and was lying on top of her, exhausted, she whispered, "I think I love you."

When I got to "she whispered", I immediately knew what Lola was going to say. I found myself yelling aloud "NO! DON'T SAY IT! DON'T EVEN... NO, LOLA, DON'T." Then I read the words "I think I love you". I released an exasperating sigh, called Lola stupid, and found myself - at least for a split second - hating the concept of love. It led to an overwhelming feeling of compulsion/repulsion of love - I wanted nothing to do with it, good or bad. As fast at it came, it disappeared. I think I will always be a romantic at heart, hoping and wishing for "happy endings".

I've been trying to dissect my emotions, but... What is the concept of love? Being "in love", I thought I would immediately know the answer. Alas, I don't think I'm the least bit worldly enough to answer such a question.

Lola didn't get the answer that she wanted.

His head jerked up and he looked at her with surprise. Smiling and kissing the tip of her nose, he said, "'love' is a strong word, Lola."

But she did get bagels instead.

- EXCERPT FROM 'ONE FIFTH AVENUE' BY CANDACE BUSHNELL

Soul Census

Does anyone believe in reincarnation?

Not going to lie, i've toyed with the thought of my soul, upon the death of my body, coming back to Earth in a different form.

I'm reading a story at the moment that has a brilliant perception of reincarnation. 

A couple, naturally they'd be soulmates, who have found each other hundreds of times on Earth (and in the spirit world) finally find themselves losing one another - because all good things must come to an end, that is literally what one of the spirit guides said. 

The woman is completely distraught by the separation because she finds herself unable to connect with her soulmate. I suppose that would be quite alarming. The thought of spending hundreds of lifetimes with someone only to be forced to separate is quite harsh. 

The man kicks up a stink and finds an explanation as to why they can't connect with each other any longer and he is given a beautiful lesson demonstrated by a deer being eaten by a leopard. 

His soul is developing, and he is being put on some sort of course where he needs to learn something important: if he passes the course then he will be reunited with his soulmate but if he fails then he will experience the heartache all over again. It's a pretty twisted way to force someone to learn something, isn't it?

I'm only up to chapter 2 out of 20 of the story and i'm insanely hooked on the readers perception of how souls work, develop, and move on. I feel as though by the end of this story I will be a firm believer in reincarnation.

Footnote: The opening of chapter three was about what happens to broken souls and that just terrified me; and the end of the chapter where the elders are telling him that he is chained by weakness and that weakness is love - how dare they? I understand that change is necessary to progress in life but to cut out love is too much of a change to ask anyone to do. If I was being made to let go of love, i'd want a better explanation than that.

So here's a question that is going around:

If your boyfriend and your dad swapped bodies and the only way to get them to switch back was to have sex with one of them which one would you choose?

*smile to myself*

The Mirror Has Two Faces

As I stood at the altar beside my sister and her husband-to-be, it struck me that this “ritual” called a wedding ceremony is really just the final scene of a fairytale.

Nobody ever tells you what happens after the ritual though.

Nobody ever tells you that Cinderella drove Prince Philip crazy with her obsessive need to clean the castle (because she missed her day job, right?).

Nobody ever tells you what happens after because...there is no after.

The be-all and end-all of romantic love was/is marriage. Marriage, that's right.

But it wasn't always like that...

Around the 12th century there was a notion called courtly love where love had nothing to do with marriage and nothing to do with sex. In most cases it was defined as a passionate relationship between a knight and a lady of the court who was already married; and so they could never consummate their love. They would have to rise above your ordinary (you know, going to the bathroom in front of each other kind of love) and find something more divine. They took sex out of the equation and what was left was a union of souls.

Now think of this: sex was always the fatal love potion.

Look at the literature: 'Lancelot and Guinevere', 'Tristan and Isolde' (for examples) - all consummation could lead to was madness, despair, or death!

Clinical experts, scholars, and my Aunt Esther are united in the belief that true love has spiritual dimensions while romantic love is nothing but a lie...an illusion...modern myth...a soulless manipulation.

Speaking of manipulation...

It's like going to the movies to see a romance film, when we see the lovers on screen kiss, the music swells, and we like it, right? So that makes you think when my date takes you home and kisses you goodnight, if I don't hear the philharmonic in my head, you dump him!

Now the question is: why do we buy it?

We buy it because whether it's a myth or a manipulation, let's face it: we all want to fall in love.

Why?

Because that experience makes us feel completely alive! Where every sense is heightened, every emotion magnified, where our everyday reality is shattered and flung into the heavens!

It may only last a moment, an hour, or an afternoon...but it doesn't diminish its value because we're left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives.

I read an article a while ago that says when we fall in love we hear Puccini in our heads. I love that. I think it's because his music fully expresses our longing for passion in our lives and romantic love. And while we listen to La Boheme or read 'Wuthering Heights' or watch 'Casa Blanca'...a little bit of that love lives in us too.

So the final question is: why do people want to fall in love when it can have such short shelf life and be devastatingly painful?

It leads to the propagation of the species? Psychologically, we need to connect to somebody? Because we're culturally pre-conditioned? Good answers but much too intellectual for me.

I think it's because, as some of you already may know, while you have it...it feels fucking great!

I read a unique article online about Karlie Kloss's photo-shoot at Masaya Volcano National Park (by Ryan McGinley for The New York Times Style Magazine). This part of the article I liked especially:

It’s about 4 o'clock on a Thursday, and a caftan-bedecked Karlie Kloss is perched on the edge of a gigantic, fuming volcano crater, her bare legs and feet dangling into the hazy void.
‘Make it look more adventurous,’ calls out Ryan McGinley, the photographer snapping her from an equally precarious spot on a nearby outcropping of rock.
‘It’s pretty damn adventurous,’ Kloss yells back.

Like, she had her legs dangling inside a steaming volcano...what more do you want?

Maybe this world is another planet's hell?

I've been thinking a lot lately about heaven and hell.

We think of hell as some fiery dark place filled with hate and people who are horrible but isn't that what our world is? People constantly hating on each other, hating them selves, hating the things people do, hating the world around them... So, why wouldn't this be the hell of another planet? Because there’s sure as hell enough hate to go around.

On a less serious note, perhaps this could be heaven compared to somewhere else?

Sliding Doors

Have you ever had one of those moments where something is just relevant to how you're feeling, a situation in your life, or even just your personality?

I watched 'Sliding Doors' last night.

Relevant to my life in that I feel like I am living two separate lives: one happy and one sad.

Maybe there is some truth to star-signs and all that jazz? It is said that a Gemini lives two lives at that same time that coincide with each other at random points. Same girl, different decisions.

The story goes a little something like this:

Both halves of the Gemini get fired.

One misses the train home, gets mugged, her boyfriend cheers her up, she works part time jobs as a sandwich delivery guy to support her boyfriend's novel-writing-career, gets pregnant, discovers her boyfriend is cheating on her and as she runs away she falls down a flight of stairs and ends up losing the baby.

At the same time...

The other half catches the train, meets a handsome stranger, discovers her boyfriend is cheating on her and leaves him, builds up a PR company, dates the handsome stranger and becomes pregnant but shortly after telling the stranger the good news she is ran over by a car and loses the baby.

In the hospital, the first half survives but the second half dies.

The cheating boyfriend is elated and the handsome stranger is heartbroken.

Their lives merge into one again.

The Gemini, in her hospital bed, tells her cheating boyfriend to leave. She is then discharged and takes an elevator to the ground floor where she meets the handsome stranger.

You know what's kind of beautiful?

In French, you don’t really say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques,” which is closer to “you are missing from me.”

I love that. “You are missing from me.” You are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you.

You know what I am? A fatalist. My mind automatically picks out the worst thing that could ever happen in a situation and then starts preparing for it to happen. Not such a bad thing, I hear you think. But it is...because preparing for it is as bad as expecting it to happen - it's like brain can't differentiate between the two. It's taxing on my will power.

I remember one of the "therapy" sessions that I had where my "therapist" asked me ten questions (in which I was obviously supposed to answer truthfully).

For some reason, they've popped into my mind again and I keep thinking about them (possibly because maybe I would answer differently know?).

The questions were (and i'm paraphrasing here since my memory is a little sketchy):
1. What is more difficult for you: looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
2. Think of the last time you were really angry. Why were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
3. You are at the doctor's office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone / everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
4. You can have one of the following things: love or trust. Which do you choose and why?
5. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
6. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
7. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?
8. Are you the kind of friend that you would want as a friend?
9. Does love equal sex?
10. When was the last time you honestly told someone how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?

Most of these questions were really hard to answer, some of them were easy. Most of them were just pure bullshit and relate to nothing, in my opinion, to my situation.

Thinking of these questions, and how I answered, I think I would change some things. Maybe 'cause I think i've mellowed a lot since that time, maybe 'cause I feel more like Eliza, maybe 'cause i'm just giving up. I don't know. It's just frustrating me thinking about these damn questions and how i'd answer them now.

Denial

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the bum. 
And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. 
The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. 
We can only lie to ourselves for so long. 
We are tired, we are scared; denying it doesn't change the truth. 
Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. 
Head on, guns blazing. 
De Nile; it's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. 
So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Thoughts From An Insomniac

And if you were by my side right now, what would you do?
What do you feel when you think about me?
I don't want anybody else. It has to be you.

Some idiot that I work with has just scheduled weekly meetings for Fridays from 1pm to 5pm.  I’m going to go ahead and not go to those bad boys.

Who the hell schedules 5pm meetings on a God damned Friday afternoon?

You know what I hate about everyone? Four things: -

• Firstly, people who point to their wrist when they ask for time... I know where my watch is! Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? No.
• Secondly, when people say "oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it", like Zi said to me today. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
• Thirdly, when smart ass people tell you "it's always in the last place you look". Of course it is, you dick. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
• And when people ask "can I ask you a question?" ... Didn't really give me a choice there, did you?

Yeah, these things happened today, and they annoyed me.

How many subtle hints do I have to drop before you finally pick them up?

I'm fastly running out of patience, if I had any at all.

I need you to understand. Why won't you just do that?!

Isn't it funny...

...how the simplest of sentences can crush you?

Consider me royally crushed.

Favourite Yeah Yeah Yeahs song?

“Warrior” changed my life and made me comfortable being myself.
“Maps” has been there for me forever.
“Mystery Girl” has always been my party song.
“Cold Light” taught me how to rock a private concert in my shower.