Black & White

I dislike people who think of everything as being black and white; the people who think it's either yes and no; the people who absolutely cannot comprehend that there might just be something other than "black" or "white" - like the fuzzy "grey" area in between for example. People, situations, relationships...are often not as straightforward as that, and narrow-minded people who can't see that bug me.

Do you know like we were saying, about the Earth revolving? It's like when you're a kid, the first time they tell you that the world is turning and you just can't quite believe it cause everything looks like it's standing still? I can feel it, the turn of the earth. The ground beneath our feet is spinning at a thousand miles per hour. The entire planet is hurtling around the sun at sixty-seven miles per hour. And I can feel it. We're falling through space, you and me, clinging to the skin of this tiny little world. And if we let go... That's who I am.

Something the therapist told me today:

The most self-damaging thing is acting like everything is ok - it's not ok and you know it. Pretending not to feel any pain just doubles what you actually feel inside, and then you suffer more.

I spoke to Helena today for the first time in months.

The last time I spoke to her I was "home" and she was visiting her family after having a huge argument with her partner, he was moving out of her apartment in Liverpool  while she was away visiting. I haven't spoken to her since she left to go back to Liverpool. Makes me a bad friend I guess for not checking how she was after the break up but I was in my "bubble".

Anyway...

She e-mailed me today. This long, lengthy, heart breaking and heart warming, humorous e-mail about what's happened and where she's at.

Basically, when she arrived back at Liverpool from her visit her partner hadn't moved out which resulted in Helena throwing his belonging out of the window and onto the street... Classy. Heated argument ensued. Helena proceeded to take the piss out of his Liverpool accent. He finally left. She lost her job as a professional photographer for some up-and-coming company because he kept bothering her at work. Now she's packing up her belongings and heading to Manchester.

But anyway...

I called her for a chat tonight. She had some funny stories to tell me. She had just gotten back from a "date" and she was filling me in on the juicy details. Not that I particularly wanted to hear them. But it was nice. Very lovely. I miss her. Sometimes.

Maybe I should accept those tablets the doctor keeps offering me. Maybe it's better to feel nothing at all.

I don't know anything any more.

Also today...

I just received a phone call from my ex-best-friend's cousin. Random, I know. But he called to apologise for something that happened when I was fourteen years old. WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN YEARS OLD.

He said he was in rehab' now, going through the stage where you have to apologise for all the wrong things you've done when taking drugs. I imagine his list to be miles long.

The thing he did wrong to me? He slammed me against the wall and threatened me and threw me downstairs.

It wasn't as bad as it seems.

I got right back up and walked straight back upstairs and dragged him out of the house, locking him out.

We were in his grandad's house (also my best friend's grandad's house) and he was on some sort of trip and it wasn't pretty and Jazz just wanted him out of the house before her grandad got back.

Basically that's it.

Crazy phone call.

Thoughts #1

You want to know what the most frustrating thought is?

It's the fact that I had always thought people who [ insert phrase I can't seem to be able to type here ] were just doing it for attention, attention seeking. But I suppose I now know that more than usually isn't the case. People do it because they slip into a dark place and they don't know how to get out and that's the easiest escape - I know that now.

The even more frustrating thing?

You thought the same thing as me. You probably still think the same thing.

And, anyway, thinking about it more... I've always done this shit.

I remember standing in the office of my head teacher when I was in school. He was shouting at me for something that's not so important now. My hands were behind my back and I was digging my nails into my wrist, drawing blood. I've always done that. Whenever I was in trouble and had done something wrong. Hands behind my back and nails digging into my skin.

None of this probably makes any sense. Just feels better to get it out of my head.

Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap

I'm not stuck on Temper Trap just like the lyrics to this song, everything else is crap...

A moment, a love, a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs, a moment, a love, a dream aloud...

I was talking to Rick today about something and bless his heart he was trying to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about. Well, I say talking but it was more like incoherent sentences, just some of my thoughts coming out all jumbled. Yeah...it's a mess in my head at the moment. I'm in the process of clearing things up but whenever I get close to everything being in it's box, something else comes up and I think about it and...it's a big mess again.

Point is... It makes  me do the mardy thing again and I can't help it and sometimes I don't even know i'm being like it and it's difficult for...people.

Note To Self

I shouldn't listen to this song:

Stone Sour - Made of Scars

I was waiting for your to ask about coming to get me yesterday...but you didn't, and then I was going to say something about it but you told me your mother wanted you to do all those chores and stuff, and I felt like you didn't have time for me...and that's kind of bummed me out now.

Denial

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the bum. 
And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. 
The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. 
We can only lie to ourselves for so long. 
We are tired, we are scared; denying it doesn't change the truth. 
Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. 
Head on, guns blazing. 
De Nile; it's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. 
So how do you keep from drowning in it?

The doctor thinks I purposefully threw myself down the stairs. I'm not even shocked he thinks that, since he thinks I'm suicidal. But I don't even care what he thinks any more... I have the painkillers for my cracked scapula and I have all my results back from my tests so I don't ever have to see him again. When the time comes for my physical on the 30th, i'll request a different doctor.

Today sucks. Everything sucks.

Ugh.

I hate staying long lengths of time in hospitals - they're all the same: clean and clinical.

And the people? Administration staff, doctors, nurses...so precise and clear-cut. I understand why they have to be precise, there's no room for error, they can't go around accidentally bumping patients off because they were a bit careless. But it just makes them feel a little inhuman to me.

And it's not just the staff in the hospital, it's the patients too. They just always seem so...morose, or preoccupied with dwelling on whatever it is that is going around in their heads.

I hate it here. It's awfully suffocating.

Going to play the Tequila Truth Game with Rick. I just hope my heart holds out, piece of shit* that it is.

*I DON'T REALLY MEAN THAT, HEART. I <3 YOU. YOU'VE BEEN WORKING QUITE WELL THESE PAST TWO MONTHS, DON'T FUCK UP ON ME NOW.

I dream a lot but i'm not a dreamer - just had to clear that up.

Last night, or rather the early hours of this morning since I didn't manage to fall asleep until 6am, I had a dream. Fuck yeah you know this is going to be interesting (not).

I was standing in a dark room, doing what any other person would do when standing in a dark room and you don't know where you are (and, no, I didn't panic - I just tried to figure out my surroundings). All of a sudden lights turn on and it turns out i'm on a stage in front of a lot of different people in my life, very awkward if you ask me. Music starts playing, a tune that is faintly familiar. I can't say I know the song. I just recognise the tune. Someone starts singing. If I remember rightly it went a little something like... "time to change has come and gone, watched your fears become your God, it's your decision, overwhelmed you choose to run, apathetic to the stunned, it's your decision". Does anyone know that song? Maybe it's not a real song, anything is possible in my dreams. I ended up waking up before the song ended. I think the thought of having to face the audience frightened me awake to be honest.

So now I can't forget those lyrics that I remember from my dream. 

Am I having a good day?

Yes, everything is just fucking peachy.

Do you know what it feels like to be angry at yourself all of the time, to feel like you're being constantly squeezed by a rope tied around your body?

Sometimes it eases off, you know? Usually when i'm settled and content I can forget about it; but it's always there, and the slightest thing triggers it off, the rope squeezes tighter around me and I feel suffocated.

When it happens, I try not to project it on anyone else. I just come across as mardy because nobody understands. I don't think anybody can understand.

Oh, the doctor came to see me today. Fucking arsehole is starting to get on my last nerve.

Because you know what? I don't "self harm", since people keep assuming the worse. I just throw things and punch things and IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. I threw a vase, it smashed all over the place, and I didn't realise there were shards of broken porcelain on the dresser when I banged my fist and arm on the top - that's how I ended up tearing my arm to shreds. I didn't physically pick up a knife or a piece of glass or whatever people use and cut my arm up.

Is everyone happy now?

Kurt Cobain once said that if you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on and that he's not afraid of dying, and total peace after death - becoming someone else - is the best hope he's got.

That has been me for the past few days. Thinking the best hope i've got is becoming someone else.

Thoughts From An Insomniac

And if you were by my side right now, what would you do?
What do you feel when you think about me?
I don't want anybody else. It has to be you.

Someone once told me: 


"Eliza, take all the time you need. Shit, its been two years since everything went crazy for me. It still hurts knowing I messed everything up. I can put up this front all I want, have all the fun I can. But when I hit that bed sometimes, it all comes back. And it sucks. Let's hope it doesn't damper who you are. Hopefully these negative feelings will subside, even if not completely."


I hope they do subside for the sake of my sanity. 


I feel like i've changed into a completely different person.

To... You

I need you to give the strength to me. A strength I need from you.
I am a mess, you see. I've lost the plot so bad.
I need you to drag me up and out of the darkest place.

Oh... Wow. I have internet back on my mobile.

Maybe I can blog something sometime.

Thumbs up.

I feel abandoned.
You've jumped ship,
like all I was was a sinking ship.

My seemingly endless cycle:

Scream, shout, yell, smash things up, runaway, hit, kick, punch, swear, curse, cry, sob, hurt yourself, keep your distance, hurt, ache, isolate yourself, shut down.

Happy!

“When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - When Harry Met Sally (1989)


I can't wait for the rest of my life to start. :)

This morning?

Our private words.

Eggs, coffee, toast, forgiveness.

Peace within chaos.

So I was telling Zi about the Manchester thing and she went into a full blown rant via e-mail.

Let’s talk about why people go to strip clubs.  What’s the allure in having some nasty ass skank or man whore slather their bodies in baby oil and gyrate in your face? Liza please explain it to me, because I’m dying to know.

Gotta admit, I’ve been to strip clubs – male dancers freak me the fuck out. Ugh, the thought of where their junk has been makes me want to bleach all my exposed body parts. Yuck yuck. I don't even want to think about see a woman do it...

And I have heard PLENTY of stories of what really happens when guys go to strip clubs. Let me tell you something, the guy ALWAYS gets a lap dance.  ALWAYS!!  And know what else?  The stripper is gonna get motorboated by the guy.  FACT.  If you confront a guy who's been to a strip club and ask him if he touched the stripper and he says “no”, he just lied.  Here’s the deal, stripper boobs don’t count.  As long as the man didn’t touch her skanky ass lady nethers, he's safe. He touched her boobs.  With his face.  It happened, everyone lives.

As for the girls who go to strip joints, just hope the stripper didn’t slap her cheek with his herp infested penis.  You’ll totally know if she starts developing sores on her cheek.

Then she called me up and repeated everything she had just typed to me. Yeah...

Hehehehe...

Not long now. :)

Not long until I take that dreaded four hour long drive to see you (all worth it though). Not long until I get to see you up close and personal. Not long until I get to jump on you and hug you and kiss you when I see you straight away. Not long until I can...just be with you. <3

Also, not long til I can see Smokey, and Charles, can't forget about Charles, he loves me. Hah. :)

Can't wait, Chris! Too excited! Hehehe.

And...and...mini golf (where i'll totally kick your ass). And then...back to mine...for allllllllll your birthday surprises ;) hehehe. And back to yours... Pretty sure i'll be used to driving cross-country by then, for your birthday meal with your family. Then...then...then...i'll be leaving (super, sad hugs then) but then i'll be seeing you in May for the Manchester thing which i'm also super excited about... Then it'll be my birthday and then and then... Ok, i'm shutting up.

Just, I can't wait to be with my gorgeous lover!

Saw a van on the high street today that was covered in dirt and someone had written "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van". I wrote "she is...when you are at work!" Couldn't help myself.

I swear no matter what I fucking do, it's never good enough.

I do so fucking much. I give so fucking much. I am fucking fed up with having so much shit riding on my shoulders. No-one is there to help me out and give me a hand. But I am expected to carry all of the stress and other bullshit. But when I need help, no-one is there to back me up / help me out for a change. Everything is always on me. I can only take so much of this bullshit.

Currently at work, at my desk with a cup of tea and sore throat, checking up on personal things rather than number crunching the twenty ski-plans I have on my desk. I dislike numbers.

So anyway, I read this quote [see below] and I think it's beautiful (in a slightly morose kind of way).

"The push and pull of human interaction is never equal. When one person wants more than another is willing or able to give, hearts don’t break, they shred. A broken heart shatters into a million pieces and gets swept away never to be used again. A shredded heart continues to be used in all of its limited, tattered capacity; a remnant of its former usefulness and beauty."

Jack, you have a wonderful way with words.

My friend's "portrait" of me... I actually like it and it would look awesome foiled on my wall. (:

Nice thing?

Going to bed early and waking up early, having a big breakfast, with the radio on, ready for my day.

That’s nice.

I like this picture. It's kinda cool in a dorky way. Thanks Zi for taking it. (:

I hate her.

I want to skewer her. I want her to go down in flames. I want her to be nothing but a pile of ash on the seat next to me. I want the janitor to come in and vacuum up the ashes of her with his dust buster and when he dumps it in the bin outside, I want the rats to vomit and defecate on the ashes of her.

Jamie has a dirty mind. This morning we were talking about holidays and I was telling him that i'm going to San Fran in September. He said I should take him with me. The rest of the conversation went like this:

Eliza: You can come in my bag.
Jamie: *Dead silent, grinning, suddenly begins laughing and buries his head in his hands* I thought you said something else.
Eliza: *Embarrassed and trying to control my blushing* What did you think I said? Did you think I said “box”? Because I said “bag”. I said, “you can come in my BAG.” You are dirty minded!
Jamie: I know.

Race For Life

Shaunna and I are doing the Race For Life together...
Running 10k through Clumber Park in June.
I've done it before.
Shaunna is going to die.
Fun fun fun.

Some idiot that I work with has just scheduled weekly meetings for Fridays from 1pm to 5pm.  I’m going to go ahead and not go to those bad boys.

Who the hell schedules 5pm meetings on a God damned Friday afternoon?

I'm going to sound like a total girl here, but, I need some new dancing shoes! Mine are completely wrecked. Completely. Wrecked. And they were the most perfect, gorgeous, comfy pair of high heels ever. I'm going to mourn over my shoes now.

Apparently I attract drug dealers.

Do I really look like a coke head?!

Stupid black dude offering me some charlie two metres away from a police officer... then he decides to molest my cheek with his lips.

Gotta love Sheffield.

Currently at Em's at the moment, thought i'd drop by hers for a cup of tea after work. Caught her at a good time actually, she was sorting through all her old music. And when I say 'old', i'm talking 90's. I love the fact that she has all the Savage Garden albums, and listening to the 1997 record brought back a lot of memories! Feeling very nostalgic at the moment. Might go rooting through her oldies to see what else she has. :)

Trampoline - Never Shout Never

I love this song. Or rather I love the memory that goes along with the song. Every time I hear it I always picture Zakk singing it to Summer in the locker room of RVRC after they had a barmy arguement. It was so sweet. Those two are soulmates, I swear, and I hope they find themselves back together. <3

And who would’ve thought that a cutie pie just like you,
would have anything to do with a smelly dude like me?
I find it hard to believe.
And who would’ve thought that you ever would’ve kissed my cheek,
in your backyard on your trampoline that night?
I never put up a fight.

And I know you’re all shook up from a terrible relationship,
he broke your heart, he tore you into pieces,
but I promise you, dear, I’ll never touch you like he did.
So, baby, please take my hand and you’ll never be alone again.

I'm breathing. Simply following instinct and letting that stale air go.

But it's so damn hard lately.

Sigh

Fuck with all this hard work.

Forbidden

I just got the cutest e-mail from Zi.

Dear Moomin,

You are forbidden to travel to San Francisco or anywhere else. I FORBID IT! No, you cannot go. You cannot go for the following reasons:

1. I'm not going with you.
2. You're going alone.
3. You are not allowed to go.
4. You might have a major panic attack on the airplane and end up peeing yourself.
5. And finally, i'm not going with you!

Go ahead and plan an imaginary trip there but I forbid you to take a really one. FORBIDDEN!

Love, Zizi.

P.S. Your ass looks much hotter in that skirt without the panty lines. Kudos to you for going commando.

P.P.S. You can’t go to San Francisco with Chris either unless you take me!

She's cute, isn't she?

The Insomniac's Club

Good evening (nearly midnight) everyone. Funny how things work out - I was up all night last night, tossing and turning. Welcome to the Insomniacs Club.

The Insomniac's Club

Insomnia sauntered nonchalantly into my bedroom, fully aware that the click-clacking her four-inch stilettos made as they struck my hardwood floors was sufficient to wake me. Her utter lack of consideration wasn’t due to the fact that she knew I was already wide awake; she just didn’t give a shit.

It was three o’clock in the morning.

She made herself cozy at the foot of my four poster stainless steel canopy bed, and sparked up a Lucky Strike. In the moonlight I couldn’t tell if the gossamer frock that clung for dear life to her every curve was maroon or scarlet. What I could discern was: it had spaghetti strings, no back, and beacoup décolletage. I asked her politely to leave; she flipped me the finger.

“Is that how it’s gonna be?” I asked, bleary eyed.

READ MORE HERE: http://www.jackfrombkln.com/the-insomniacs-club/

Go away, please.

It always amazes how the simplest of phrases can hit my soft spots with so much force it knocks me back.

Go away, soft spots! I don't like you! You cause too many issues!

That is all. (:

You know what I hate about everyone? Four things: -

• Firstly, people who point to their wrist when they ask for time... I know where my watch is! Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? No.
• Secondly, when people say "oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it", like Zi said to me today. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
• Thirdly, when smart ass people tell you "it's always in the last place you look". Of course it is, you dick. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
• And when people ask "can I ask you a question?" ... Didn't really give me a choice there, did you?

Yeah, these things happened today, and they annoyed me.

It's just after 1am, i'm listening to Dear Juliet, and Carmen has finally dropped off to sleep, probably worn out after asking me a million and one questions about random things in my bedroom - gotta love kids.

I can't sleep, and Chris is ill and sleeping so I can't talk to him (I miss him loads); Jase is also not answering his mobile, but I think he's working, ooops; so i'm on MSN (not that I go on that often these days) with Em, we're trading music 'cause she's awesome like that.

I will eventually try and get some sleep...at sometime around 3am, that's probably when i'll get tired, I hope. For now, it's cup of tea time.

Night night, world.

P.S. This house is a fucking prison on planet bullshit in the galaxy of this sucks camel dick.

How many subtle hints do I have to drop before you finally pick them up?

I'm fastly running out of patience, if I had any at all.

I need you to understand. Why won't you just do that?!

If there's one pic that sums up last night...

LOL at my smile. :P

Isn't it funny...

...how the simplest of sentences can crush you?

Consider me royally crushed.

Seriously...

Comparing me to fucking gay arse songs by gay arse bands with gay arse lyrics.

Oh my God, you make me want to punch myself in the face repeatedly.

Fact:

We only dream of what we know.

Our dreams are frequently full of strangers who play out certain parts, did you know that your mind is not inventing those faces? They are real faces of real people that you have seen during your life but may not know or remember - the evil killer in your latest dream may be the guy who pumped petrol into your dad’s car when you were just a little kid. We have all seen hundreds of thousands of faces throughout our lives, so we have an endless supply of characters for our brain to utilise during our dreams.

I should have gone to work...

Hey, it's me again...doing nothing but complaining.

All dinner this evening my dad was picking out my imperfections and telling everyone what was wrong with me. I just said to him “cool story, bro” and got up and left. It was horrible.

My mother this morning saw the scar I have on my hip from when I jumped out of my bedroom window (long story) and asked if I self harm... Before I could even answer her she went on a rant and started checking my wrists. She really tests my patience sometimes.

Blah.

Last night was probably one of the worse night's out of my life. I guess I should have seen it coming... Feeling like a complete emotional wreck and drinking alcohol aren't exactly a match made in heaven. Shaunna and Paula were busy doing their thing as best friends and I was stuck looking after Nikki who was wasted on pills and alcohol - she ended up throwing up for forty five minutes. To top it off, for some reason or other, when Shaunna asked if I was ok, I burst out crying in the middle of the dance floor. That was pretty much the time Jase told me he was taking me home.

So much for blowing out...

All I want to do is hug you so tight that you feel how hard I fucking love you.

All I want is to look you in the eyes, kiss your lips gently and tell you it will all be ok…

Because it will be. Everything is going to be ok.

Yes, i'm a fan of the Kracker.

Sometimes I feel like something is gone here.
Something is wrong here, I don’t belong here.
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town.
And i’ve lost what I found, it’ll all turn around.

In a little while i’ll be thinkin’ about you.
In a little while i’ll still be here without you.
In a little while i’ll be thinkin’ about you, baby...i’ll be thinkin’ about you, baby.

A really depressing fact:

LENNIE NEVER GOT TO TEND THE RABBITS.

Of Mice And Men actually makes me cry when Lennie dies. I remember reading that scene over and over and it making me cry.

Just read the ending tonight, crying my eyes out.

Can't sleep.

Need to go for a very long walk to think about everything, to try and sort things out, clear my head.

Oh my God, holy shit, i'm so excited to be going away with Chris so very very soon!

Can't wait.
Can't wait.
Can't wait.

The Stupid Things Girl Say

Eliza: Wait a second, so you kissed this douche bag but you don’t usually kiss someone on the first date?
Zizi: Yes, that’s right.
Eliza: So why would you kiss him?
Zizi: I don’t know. I guess we were both there and I had needs or something.
Eliza: But you didn’t plan on seeing him again?
Zizi: Yes.
Eliza: What on earth would you have done if you liked him?
Zizi: Nothing.
Eliza:  Wait. So if you had liked him you wouldn’t have done anything with him but since you didn’t like him you made out with him all over town?
Zizi: That’s about right.
Eliza: You realise that makes zero sense, right?
Zizi: It makes sense to me.
Eliza: I think you’re retarded.

And...

Helena: Money's not important to me. I can live without a lot of it. *iPod starts playing Billionaire* "I wanna be a billionaire so fucking baaad..."

(awkward)

Eliza: Yeah, obviously not important to you.

Grr.

My family may not be conventional. And maybe you don’t understand them like I do. But I love them til the end of the universe. So if you ever say anything like that to my face ever again... I swear to god. You better hope someone’s there holding me back from destroying your scrawny mother fucking ass. Dick.

To be beside the sea.

I think I was born to live by the North Sea...with a small yacht. Think that's where my heart lays.

This is Ice, we gave him a home for a few days. :)

I'm pretty sure i'd be texting him again right now, for the fifth or sixth time, but I don't want to blow up his phone with my texts. I just really miss him. I've been missing him all week. I don't understand why i'm feeling this needy. Maybe because the time is getting closer and I really, really need him, more than anything i've ever needed in my life.

Usually I stop myself from being like this -- clingy, but I just can't stop it... I want him so bad. Though...I don't want him to think i'm one of those clingy girls that are around, because i'm not, at least I don't think I am.

I love him. We need to be together.

Best Quote of the Year

I realise we are only a few days into 2011, however, I do believe i’ve already heard the quote of the year. You be the judge:

“If porn has taught me anything, and I believe it has, it’s that old MILFs love anal.”

Beat that!

Favourite Yeah Yeah Yeahs song?

“Warrior” changed my life and made me comfortable being myself.
“Maps” has been there for me forever.
“Mystery Girl” has always been my party song.
“Cold Light” taught me how to rock a private concert in my shower.

Pierce The Veil - Caraphernelia

Sunshine, there ain't a thing that you can do that's gonna ruin my night (but there's just something about you).

This dizzy dreamer and her bleeding little blue boy, licking your fingers like you're done and, you decided there is so much more than me.

And baby honestly it's harder breathing next to you, I shake, I brought a gun in as the preacher tried to stop me, hold my heart it's beating for you anyway.

What if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat, i'll be the fire that will catch you. What's so good about picking up the pieces? None of the colours ever light up anymore in this hole.

Nobody prays for the heartless. Nobody gives another penny for the selfish, you're learning how to taste what you kill now.

Don't mind me, i'm just reaching for your necklace. Talkin' to my mama 'bout this little girl from Texas.

What if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat, i'll be the fire that will catch you.

What's so good about picking up the pieces? None of the colours ever light up anymore in this hole. Just give her back to me, you know I can't afford the medicine that feeds what I need.

So baby what if I can't forget you? (What if I can't forget you?) Am I invisible ink, like a shadow on the wall, just go, oh no. You can't just throw me away.

So what if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat. I'll be the fire that'll catch you. And what's so good about picking up the pieces? What if I don't even want to?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh. What if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat, i'll be the fire that'll catch you.

What's so good about picking up the pieces? None of the colours ever light up anymore in this hole.

Just give her back to me, you know I can't afford the medicine that feeds what I need. So baby what if I can't forget you (what if I can't forget you)?

What's so good about picking up the pieces? What's so good about? What's so good about? What's so good about picking up the pieces?

It’s Kind of A Funny Story

I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.

A New Year

I'd wish everyone a happy new year but there's truly no such thing as a "happy" new year. It's just wishful thinking, isn't it? I mean, it's just impossible to go a whole year without anyone making you feel sad or upsetting you.

So, to all those who have had a not-so-great 2010, I hope you have a better year this year. Lord knows i'm hoping for a better year, and it will be better cause I get to be with my baby! Hope everyone survives 2011!